Sapphire
by burningdarkfire
Summary: Will Fai ever find come to accept himself fully, or were all the changes he went through in vain? Set post-epilogue. Runs in parallel with Crimson. KuroFai, eventually
1. Running From Nostalgia

**A/N** - This story runs in parallel with my other Tsubasa fanfic, _Crimson_. _Crimson_ is told in Kurogane's POV, while _Sapphire_ is told from Fai's POV. This is set post-epilogue, because it killed me to have all the characters head off to another journey and not know what happens to Fai _-insert fangirl squeal at mention of Fai's name- _, so here we are! I hope you enjoy!

**Note:** You do not need to read _Crimson_ to understand _Sapphire_, or vice versa.

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Chapter 1 – Running From Nostalgia

"Goodbye!" Fai called out as the group headed out of the village. "Thanks for everything!" Syaoran added his thanks as well while Mokona waved its stubby little arms enthusiastically. Kurogane simply grunted in acknowledgement and shifted impatiently as he waited for them to be off.

Fai smiled gently at the warrior's stubborn refusal to show any softness, although he was careful not to let anyone see.

_But then, I'm always hiding my feelings too,_ Fai thought dryly. _I really shouldn't be so hypocritical._

The townspeople waved and let loose their last farewells as the three travelers and the strange white creature (Mokona would _hate_ being called that!) headed out of town and into the forest.

"Mokona is sad to see them go!" it announced as the small settlement faded from view behind them. "They were all nice to Mokona and they had yummy food!"

Fai chuckled inwardly at Mokona's comments. They _did_ have rather nice sweets.

"Hai," Syaoran agreed. "They were pleasant people. I am sorry to make you leave, Mokona."

_Noble Syaoran, always thinking of others!_ Fai smiled at his younger (technically, they were _all_ younger than him, but Syaoran was the youngest and the least wise) companion. He was in a rather good mood today, what with the blue sky, gentle breeze, and general peacefulness in the air … and in himself.

But if he was honest, he was relieved to be on the move again.

_I'm always running away. If not from Ashura-ou, then from …_

"Mokona doesn't mind going with Syaoran!" The magical white thing trilled. "Mokona loves seeing all the worlds!"

"But still," Syaoran bowed his head as they walked. "This is my payment alone for me to make, and I regret keeping you from your homes. I know what I'm searching for may not even exist, but I can still hope."

_What home? _Fai felt bitter as the memories of ice, snow, and a great beautiful castle … No. He refused to dwell on the painful shards of his past, and suppressed his thoughts of his countries, both Valeria and Celes.

"Nonsense," Kurogane growled. "It was our choice to come along with you. Now stop your moping and let's just move on."

"Besides, Syaoran-kun, I don't have a home to go back to, remember?" Fai reminded him. _I lost myself when the real Fai died … and what's the point of a home without a self? Ruval Palace was almost like a home, until my king went on a murdering rampage and killed everyone I tried to protect, then tried to get me to kill him …_

Fai saw Kurogane looking at him out of the corner of his eye. He was grimly pleased that the handsome (_handsome?_) man had seen him and wondered what he thought of the pain that was probably evident in his eyes.

_Enough._ Fai squashed all the depressed thoughts into near nothingness and concentrated instead on happy things, forcing his lips to curl slightly upwards again. _Be happy._

Syaoran babbled apologies for being insensitive, clearly mortified at having said something so seemingly harmless but yet so obviously painful.

Fai waved him off; after all, it wasn't his fault. He was only trying to relieve himself of some of his own guilt, Fai reasoned. _I bet Syaoran feels bad for being so happy that we all chose to accompany him. _

_Not that I had too much of a choice, _Fai mused. _There is something I must do …_

Mokona bounced along; oblivious to Fai's dark thoughts, and the four travelers walked along in silence. Fai saw Kurogane tilted his head back to observe the midmorning sky, and wondered what he was thinking about.

_I have no idea,_ Fai realized. _I've travelled with Kurogane for so long, yet I still don't know how or what he thinks about in moments like this. _

But then, Kurogane probably didn't know about the thoughts that plagued Fai and the memories that still haunted his dreams, or he would have tried to intervene by now.

_Who are we, really?_

Fai took a deep but quiet breath and erased all traces of sadness from his face.

"Cheer up Kuro-pu!" Fai pointed ahead of them to a dark mass rising up from the ground. "Look, the forest is right there! Once we're there, we only need to find some sort of clearing or something for Mokona to work its magic!"

"Remind me why we had to come all the way out here again?" He grumbled, sounding more discontent than usual.

_Have I done something to upset him again? _Fai wondered. _Wait …_

_Why do I even care? _

"It's best not to trouble anyone that we can prevent troubling," Syaoran replied solemnly. "If there happened to be a stray villager out here, who knows what wild tales of magic he might spin back at home if he saw us? This is what's best for everyone."

_You never know where the next threat may come from, _Fai reasoned._ Now that Fei Wong Reed and Yuuko were both gone, the title of most powerful magician across the worlds is open for grabs._

Fai found himself automatically speeding up to keep pace with Kurogane as the taller man almost started running towards the forest. He glanced around for anything that could have startled Kurogane, wondering what had spooked the ninja. Usually, Kurogane just seemed fearless, but even he had softened a bit over the course of their previous journey, learning how to show emotions other than just anger and disapproval once in a while.

_Not enough to let us know what he's thinking,_ Fai thought. _He hides his emotions even better than I do._

Kurogane, however, was not one to dwell on things past.

Fai, unfortunately, was.

Kurogane suddenly slowed down again. Fai looked at him with concern, as did Syaoran, but he walked with his eyes glued to the forest. They wisely chose not the press him for information, and the rest of the trek was passed in a loaded silence.

* * *

The forest seemed so alive. Animals called out everywhere, from the chirping of songbirds to the – was that barking? Even the vegetation whispered to the winds, their leaves dipping and dancing until they achieved flight at last.

_Life is everywhere,_ Fai thought. _Life, as a whole, cannot be destroyed. _

_Only as a whole._

Fai chose to concentrate on the scene in front of him instead of brooding on the past and on things not yet to come.

The kid was kneeling before an injured bird he had found, concentrating as he attempted to bind its broken wing.

"Syaoraaaaaaaan!" Mokona called out. The white creature bounced impatiently on Fai's shoulder, where it had appeared not two seconds ago.

"Would you please stop moving?" Kurogane growled and turned away, only to whip his head around right when Mokona sailed through the air.

Mokona landed squarely on Kurgane's face, happily saying at the top of its lungs, "Don't be so grumpy Kuro-pon! We're not in any danger, so you should be happy!"

What Mokona said was true. They had been travelling for a month already since leaving Clow Country, but had yet to fight or draw blood. It seemed without the princess's feathers, there were no major disturbances in any world, although since they had not stayed in any place for longer than a week, it may just been they were lucky enough to avoid any trouble.

Kurogane pried Mokona off with an irritated yell and threw it into the forest. There was an indignant squeak as it landed with a rustle amongst some bushes.

"Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Kuro-tan's being mean to Mokona!" Mokona wailed loudly once it was back on Fai's shoulder. "Fai, save me!"

Fai couldn't pass up an opportunity to tease the ninja, even with a death glare trained on him. "Really Kuro-chan, you must take care of your children, not throw them off without even knowing where they're going to land!" He scolded, once again trying to shove all his inner turmoil into a little box in his mind.

At least Kurogane was a great distraction. He pranced around Kurogane, poking him and giggling.

"What if I do know where they're going to land?" Kurogane eyed Fai menacingly. Fai correctly predicted his next move and leap out of the way just as Kurogane made a lunge for him.

_He looks quite amusing clawing at empty air, _Fai thought, entertained. "Nyaa nyaa, you'll never catch me! Besides, I'm Fai-mommy, I'm not a child!" Fai laughed and threw his hands up in a carefree manner as he ran away from the sword wielding ninja.

Mokona, who had been dislodged in Fai's flight, hopped over to Syaoran with fake tears building up in its eyes. "No one loves Mokona!" It cried, clinging onto Syaoran's hair.

"It's alright Mokona, I love you!" Syaoran reassured it as he finished up the last of the binding and plucked Mokona off his head. "I'm done with the bird now, so we can leave. I'm sorry for the wait!"

Kurogane returned to the clearing where Syaoran and Mokona were in a huff, having once again failed to do any harm to Fai, and was grumpy as they all gathered together, ready to be sucked into Mokona's mouth again.

_I should let him catch me one day,_ Fai toyed with the idea.

_Of course, that means I'll have to stop running._

"You know, this still doesn't feel natural," Kurogane grumbled. "I mean, getting eaten all the time by this tiny white thing? Not to mention, its landings are still _terrible_."

Fai slapped Kurogane on the back in a gesture of mock comfort. "Now, now, don't be such a pessimist Daddy! Our children need a good, strong, role model to look up to!" And they certainly weren't going to find one in Fai, who had enough issues to burden them all.

"What _children_? I see only one child with us," Kurogane spat out. Fai felt his conjured happiness slip away like flowing water and looked away quickly. He heard a stuttered apology and then Syaoran stepped forward to smooth everything over again.

"It's alright, Kurogane-san," he said gently. "We all miss her, but at least we know she's safe and sound."

Fai kept his gaze trained on distant trees and clouds, not meeting any of his friends' eyes.

However, he had didn't have much time to drown in his own thoughts. Now that Syaoran was done, Mokona spread its wings and prepared to travel onto the new world.

"Puu!" it said happily, the temporary down time forgotten, as it gobbled up its fellow travelers. Its wings folded, its magic circle disappeared, and soon the only sign that the four had been there at all was the bird with a splint around its wing.

* * *

They arrived in an undignified heap.

"I swear, the white manju bun drops me on the bottom every time on purpose," Kurogane's low voice was muffled by the mound of snow his face was pressed into.

"We've arrived in a new world!" Mokona proudly announced from its comfortable perch on Syaoran's head.

"Hyuu, look at the all the snow!" Fai gazed around from Kurogane's back. The snow whipped across the land of endless white ferociously. _This country is cold … both like Valeria and Celes._ This time, when the memories came, he was powerless to stop them.

… _twins of misfortune …_

Tears threatened his eyes and he quickly allowed his blonde hair to lie over his eyes, essentially hiding them from close scurtiony. He clambered to a standing position after a muffled yell from the ninja hinted a painful death if he didn't move.

Fai noted that Kurogane took the time to give them all a once-over, and seemed satisfied with the results.

"It's freezing!" Mokona complained as it burrowed into Syaoran's cloak. More snow whirled around them angrily and the wind howled and clawed at their faces.

Fai, comfortable in his Celes robes and accustomed to weather like this, tuned out Mokona's voice and looked into the distance.

_What misfortune awaits us here?_

**

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**

**A/N** - So what did you think? Please leave a review for me, and I'll promise not to let loose Kurogane on you while you sleep, mwahahaha! *ahem* This chapter started out as just fluff, but I am _terrible_ at writing fluff - angsty all the way! You may noticed, _Sapphire_ is longer than _Crimson_ - Fai simply thinks too much for his own good! As for updating, it'll happen once I have a chapter in both Crimson and Sapphire done (right now, Crimson is on chapter 4, but Sapphire has only made it to chapter 2, hehe). Reviews will of course inspire me to write more!


	2. A Frozen World

**Disclaimer** (not that I forgot it last time, or anything -sweatdrops-): I do not own any of the characters belonging to CLAMP and do not seek to make any proft from this fanfic.

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Chapter 2 – A Frozen World

_This is a frozen world of ice and snow._

Fai squinted through the white storm. "Look, I think I see some buildings over there!" He called out to his companions. They had been walking through the blizzard for a painful 10 minutes and Fai was afraid they would all freeze soon if they didn't find shelter.

They tumbled into an inn after another hundred meter trek through snow an easy two feet deep.

"Excuse me!" Syaoran, Kurogane, and Mokona all seemed frozen to the tips of their fingers (did Mokona have fingers?) and Fai desperately hoped none of them had suffered from frostbite.

_I know only too well what harsh conditions like these can do to a man,_ he thought grimly. _Ashura-ou's soldiers would often return with limbs frozen black, dead and useless. _

"Hello! Sorry to keep you waiting!" The innkeeper hurried out from side door and greeted them. "What terrible travelling weather! I assume you'll want rooms?"

The group all nodded their agreement. _And something hot to eat and drink._

"I'm sorry, but we only have two rooms free now. Would you mind sharing? We're the only inn in town, and the next place you could stay is almost an hour's walk in decent conditions." The short portly man looked anxiously at Kurogane, who was obviously the most intimidating and hardest to please of the group.

"It's alright!" Fai felt a few rays of sun penetrate the gloomy mist that had settled in his mind when they had first arrived in the country. It was time for some fun! "I'm sure Big Doggy over here won't mind sharing a room with me! Isn't that right, Kuro-pyon?"

"Of course I mind, you stupid idiot!" Kurogane growled. "Why can't I room with the kid?"

Fai felt a small inner glow of satisfaction as their routine interaction started up. He put on his best pout for Kurogane. "Really, Kuro-wanwan, you shouldn't force yourself on somebody! Besides, Kuro-daddy and Fai-mommy should be together!" His voice rose in pitch and volume at the end as he eyed Kurogane before pouncing.

"Get … off …!" Kurogane flailed around, trying to dislodge the mage now attached to his front.

As Kurogane spun around the room, Fai wrapped his legs around him even harder and squeezed tighter with his arms. He laid his head against the taller man's muscular chest and quietly enjoyed the moment while it lasted.

"What are you _doing?_" Fai looked up to see Kurogane staring at him.

He grinned lazily. "But isn't it obvious? I'm just showing the world what a cute couple we are!"

_Did I really … just say that?_ Fai had shocked even himself. It wasn't like him to casually say something like that, especially not when he was in a position that many could interpret as intimate.

Fai watched those red eyes scrutinize him, brows furrowed.

"Ehh … Fai-san? Kurogane-san?" Fai slid sinuously off Kurogane when Syaoran's voice sounded in the lobby of the inn. "Here's your key …" He trailed off at the sight of Kurogane's murderous glare trained on him and mutely held up a small golden key.

"Thank you so much, Syaoran-kun!" Fai exclaimed, choosing not to address the rather awkward position he and Kurogane were just in. "You and Mokona get a good night's sleep now!" He smiled at both of them and petted Mokona on the head.

"Fai …" Mokona looked at him strangely. "Don't be so sad, Fai. Kuro-chan will listen if you want to talk, and so will Mokona! And Mokona is sure Syaoran will too!"

Syaoran bobbed his head quickly in assent.

Fai glanced over his shoulder and prayed that Kurogane, who was leaning on the far wall, still shooting looks over at the mage, hadn't heard Mokona. He had worked too hard to perfect this new mask.

He smiled through the tears that were beginning to threaten his eyes. _If only they knew, how much I still pretended._

"OK Mokona, I'll keep that in mind." Fai ruffled Syaoran's hair. "Now, let's go upstairs and see our rooms!" Fai skipped towards the stairs, making sure there was an extra spring in his step.

"I still haven't agreed to room with you!"

* * *

"Ahh, Kuro-rin, we're alone at last!" Fai exclaimed with his usual amount of cheer as he sprawled on the bed, leaving Kurogane to sit on a chair on the opposite side of the room by the door.

Fai was tempted to just close his eyes and go to sleep. _The only escape I ever have is in the dreams I don't remember,_ Fai mused, lying on his stomach and getting comfortable. He turned his head briefly to survey the room. Besides the lone bed (_The perfect size, _Fai thought), there was also a small writing desk, the chair upon which Kurogane now sat, and a magical flame encased in a bubble, which lit up the entire room from its position on the desk. Fai settled himself, content that there was nothing to worry about, and prepared to go to sleep.

"What _is_ that thing?" Kurogane's voice interrupted Fai's fantasizing about his dreamless sleep.

_Although I'm not sure how logical that is in the first place,_ Fai thought amusedly.

Fai rolled over and glanced at Kurogane before replying. "A simple charm, really. The innkeeper is the wielder of a very small amount of fire-magic, and this is probably simpler and less dangerous than keeping torches in each room."

_It feels weird to talk so casually about magic now,_ Fai was still uneasy, but squashed the feeling, knowing that Kurogane would have a fit if he found out.

"How do we turn it off?" The warrior asked.

"Easy." The words needed quickly flashed to mind and soon the flame was extinguished by a blue ring of magic. _So easy._

"When did your magic become blue?" Fai wondered why Kurogane hadn't noticed before. It wasn't like him to be ignorant of little details … but then, he hadn't really been flaunting around his magic either.

"It would seem that the more I use it and the stronger it becomes, it also changes color," Fai shrugged. _Among other things that you don't need to know._

Fai settled himself on his back and properly looked at Kurogane. He was rubbing his left shoulder again, as if the artificial limb was giving him trouble.

"Is the arm bothering you again?" Kurogane started at Fai's question. _Great, so now he's so accustomed to the pain he doesn't even notice it anymore,_ he thought dryly.

"No, it's just ..." he trailed off.

Surprise flickered inside Fai. He hadn't realized that Kurogane was making such an effort to be more open with him …

_That makes me feel absolutely great about myself._

Fai allowed the appropriate amount of concern surface and concentrated. The words didn't come as easily this time, nor was the amount of magic in the air as small.

Kurogane yelled in alarm as the artificial arm lit up with blue markings. Fai hoped that once the Celesian magic had faded away, so would the pain.

"What did you do?" Kurogane asked suspiciously.

_Good question,_ Fai answered silently. _Hmm, let's see. I'm trying to find a way around this handicap of mine that doesn't allow me to heal anything, but I'm not sure how to do it, so you're basically a guinea pig. Yeah, you'll react well to that._

"A modified version of a spell I used to use all the time … although I expected the previous one I cast to last longer than a mere 4 weeks." This time, the worry surfaced without Fai's conscious thought.

"Wait, what previous spell? Wha- When did you put a spell on me?" Kurogane stammered, then regained his composure and adopted a fierce glare.

_Might as well go for a part of the truth._ "The spell I cast is a variation of what I always used to arm our soldiers with before a battle," Fai explained. "The actual spell is one that renders the receiver devoid of pain, but also devoid of emotions. I told you once that I can't use healing magic at all – only magics good for wars and killing. The ultimate fighter is someone who isn't afraid to die on the battlefield; someone who's greatest concern isn't their missing arm, but that they had not yet killed enough to be considered a hero."

Fai watched with some amusement as Kurogane's eye twitched. "Please tell me you didn't just erase all my emotions."

Fai sighed dramatically and rolled his eyes. "Kuro-chii, if your emotions were gone, you wouldn't be able to be mad or upset with me."

Kurogane twitched again.

_He should really get that checked out._ Fai suppressed a giggle at the thought of Kuro-tan waiting in a doctor's office.

"Then what exactly did you do?" _Patience is a virtue that Kurogane does __**not**__ have … not that I mind terribly. _

"I removed the no emotions part from the script I wrote, and directed the pain reliever into your arm instead of your eyes." _Half-truths are better than lies_.

"Why would you put magic on someone's eyes?" Kurogane tensed instinctively.

Fai propped himself up to look Kurogane in the eye. "Have you learned nothing from our journey?" Fai used his sweetest voice. "A person's eyes are very important. They serve as a conduit for magic, in particular magic that affects the soul, brain, or heart and not simply the body. They're also somewhat a portal to the three afore mentioned things: eyes can never lie."

Something flashed across Kurogane's face, too fast for Fai to follow.

"Alright, but you still haven't explained when and why you put a spell on me!" Kurogane demanded, glare still in place. "You know I don't like magic!"

_He doesn't like magic?_

…

_What?_

_He doesn't … like magic?_

_Then what does that mean … for me?_

"You don't?" Fai had to ask. He hoped Kurogane hadn't noticed the tiny waver in his voice or the way he fought to keep a straight face.

_Just tell me what I need to hear, or else you'll be faced with a thousand unshed tears over a million untold sorrows,_ Fai thought bitterly. _I'm not strong enough to stop crying if I start, so please, please, just tell me what I need to hear!_

"Well, ah …" Kurogane muttered. "I just don't like it when it's so sudden, and when it's applied to me without my permission!"

…

_I can pretend for another day._

"But I would never do anything to hurt my Kuro-myu!" Fai gazed at him, widening his eyes and adopting his best look of innocence.

"Will you shut up with the weird names!?"

_Kurogane is grateful for an out from the awkward moment. I wonder if he'll pursue this later … _Kuro-chan really had this unfortunate habit of slamming Fai back into his past with probing questions at the worst times possible.

"Your name is so long and boring though, Kuro-rin!" Fai beamed at him, letting none of his inner turmoil surface.

Kurogane roared and swiped at the mage. Fai dodged and evaded him, forgetting his worries for a brief few moments as he concentrated on frustrating the warrior to the point of surrender.

He lay back down on the bed and sighed quietly. All of his thoughts came crashing down on him again as Kurogane came to sit beside him and said, "You know, you never answered my questions."

Fai summoned up another smile. _This is only getting harder, day by day. And who knows what he'll do if he catches me breaking again?_

"Now, now, I'm allowed to still keep some secrets from you!" He chuckled, burying his face in his pillow after to hide his face from the room's other occupant.

_I'm hiding more than just my face._

* * *

**A/N** - I'm looking to update about once a week - unfortunately, I doubt my life will allow anything more often that ^__^' But please be patient and bear with me! A reviewer mentioned that rereading the same dialogue wasn't the most exciting thing, but I intended it so that you need not read _Crimson_ to understand _Sapphire_, or vice-versa, so if anyone prefers surprises they can only read one of the two!

This chapter turned out much, much longer than intended. I first wrote it from Kuro's POV, then wrote it from Fai's, but ended up adding so much to Fai's that I had to go back and rewrite Kuro's, and back and forth -sweatdrops- hehe. I hope it doesn't seem too much like I'm just rambling and adding insignificant details to the story ...


	3. Wishing For A Dreamless Sleep

Chapter 3 – Wishing For A Dreamless Sleep

Fai heard the rustle of clothes, but thought nothing of it until he felt himself being lifted out of bed. Panic rose up in him and he automatically struggled, attempting to free himself. Suddenly, he found Kurogane's eyes with his own and was startled to see the pure rage within them.

_What did I do?!_

His thought was cut short as the muscular man slammed him into the wall. The pain registered at the back of his head, and he couldn't keep himself from letting a small gasp escape, although he started healing almost immediately. He tugged at the tan arms holding him captive, wondering if Kurogane had finally seen through this mask as well.

_It's hard,_ he reflected. _I never had much of a use for a mask before …_ He refused to finish that thought, choosing instead to skip over that little detail. _It was always just a small smile here, a little laugh here. No one, besides … No one else was close enough to me to truly care._

Then he noticed the claws.

_What!?_

_Why!?_

_I thought … the witch said that I would no longer be a vampire if I regained my eye!_

…

_What's wrong with me?!_

Kurogane seemed to come to with a small jerk. Fai wondered if he had noticed the surprise on his face, and if so, what he thought of it.

_There will be questions … Questions I can't provide answers to._

First though, Fai would need to regain control.

_And not only of this situation._

Fai cataloged the noticed differences one by one.

_Everything is sharper and I can see his life force again …_

_So my eyes must be golden again._

Unfortunately, there was no mirror around for Fai to look in, and even if there had been, he was still trapped.

_Maybe he __**is**__ trying to kill me,_ Fai thought, and for a moment, a true smile broke across his face.

"Why, Kuro-rin, is there something wrong? You're hurting me a little," He said more harshly than he intended.

He felt the hand around his neck loosen and retreat slowly, although Kurogane still said nothing.

However, Fai was too busy with something else to care.

_Don't move,_ he willed himself from his new position slumped on the floor. _Don't move, or next thing you know, you'll be holding an empty body._

The smell of blood had finally reached him. He closed his eyes and concentrated instead on keeping himself completely and utterly still. Despite his efforts, he could still practically see where the blood was … trailing down Kuro-rin's arm … slowly but surely making its way, lead by the pull of gravity …

_Falling through the air …_

Fai was shocked at the amount of effort it took him to not lunge forward. It would seem having his vampire side dormant only left it hungrier when it awoke.

"Have it," Fai desperately ignored Kurogane's voice. He squeezed his eyes shut and refused to surrender to the call of the blood.

"It'll just end up on a towel somewhere anyway," he insisted. Giving in to the vampire that was pounding in his head and just _demanding_ to have control, he let his body take over. He suppressed a shudder of disgust as he trailed his tongue up Kurogane's arm.

The self-loathing truly started when he felt the fangs come out and ask for more.

It intensified when he was given permission.

"Go on," he said, unaware of the havoc he had just caused in Fai's thoughts. "I don't mind."

_**I**__ mind. You may say you don't care, but __**I**__ care. I care all the more because I can't control it._

_I'm so pathetic. I'm harming him, because I can't even do something as simple as get control of __**myself**__._

He drank all the while.

The hatred of himself climaxed when he found he didn't want to stop.

_God damnit, what do I ever do besides kill people?_

Summoning whatever shredded remnants of strength he had left that was not affected either with hatred or thirst, he forced his mouth open and then clamped it shut again, determined that it wasn't going to open to let in any more of that red liquid again for a while.

That idea was scattered when he noticed the blood on his fingers.

Although it came back renewed and with greater strength than before, it was only after all the blood was gone.

He turned his back on Kurogane, stubbornly refusing, even now, to let any of his emotions and thoughts be shown, and began to undress for bed. When it came to the ruined gloves, he balled up the one with some specks of blood still remaining from the ninja's arm and tossed it aside with more than the usual vehemence shown towards clothing. He resisted the urge to check on his new tattoo, meant to hide his magic from others, and waited for the inevitable question.

"What happened there? I thought you said you were no longer a vampire …" The voice behind him hissed angrily. Fai really wished that Kurogane would just go away and leave him to himself.

The door crashed open as Syaoran tumbled in. "Are you ok? The crash woke me, but ah …" the boy blushed. "I couldn't come until I was decent." Anger came to join the burning pain of hating oneself.

_Why can't they just leave me alone?_

Fai turned around, smile in place and ready for duty. "It's alright Syaoran-kun, Kuro-pii just got a little overexcited. You know how he is!"

He willed the other man to play along, and breathed a silent sigh of relief when he did. "It was nothing important, go back to sleep, kid."

Syaoran's gaze narrowed slightly, but at last he bowed his head in submission. "Good night, then." He left without waiting for a response from either man.

Fai slipped into bed while Kurogane's attention was still focused on the door and settled himself facedown. He was careful to leave enough room for another body, though he doubted he would be sleeping with any body heat added onto his today.

_Maybe I'll fall into another dreamless sleep, only to find out it was actually death. Wouldn't that be just lovely?_

Instead of lingering on ideas of how he would like to die (slipping away during his only escape time did seem like the most peaceful way to go), he concentrated on steadying his breathing to imitate sleep.

"Why?" He could barely make out the quiet whisper. "Why won't you let go of your masks?"

_Because a twin of misfortune don't deserve to be happy._

* * *

**A/N** - Sorry about the rather short chapter, but I didn't want to merge it with the previous one because I wanted the vampire Fai to have a chapter to himself ^__^ I'll make up for it next chapter, I promise!

In case you're wondering, there actually is a reason for Fai being a vampire. I wanted the fanfic to be as canon as possible, so just randomly making Fai a vampire because I love him that way doesn't work for me. I'm sure the reason will be revealed in some dramatic fashion later on -knowing smile-

As for the tattoo, I didn't want to go on a long rant about it during the narration, so I'll explain it a bit more here. I don't actually have a particular design for it set in my mind, so if anyone is really bored and wants to suggest something to me, I'm open ^__^ The purpose of the tattoo is that it makes Fai's magical energy from others, so if another magician was looking at him, he wouldn't be able to tell Fai had magic at all. The tattoo is useless when Fai actually starts using his magic though; in order to conceal his magic while he's conjuring a spell he would need a masking spell. The tattoo doesn't really play a big part in the story, but for those really picky readers that sift through all the details, you might want to keep what I just said in mind for later -hinthint-

Just a note about the chapter names - the chapters are named after important parts of the chapter (obviously) and while it may seem _Crimson_ and _Sapphire_ should have matching chapter names, I thought this would be another interesting way to address the differences between Kurogane and Fai.


	4. Waves of Death

Chapter 4 – Waves of Death

He was back in the tower.

But this time, the ground was clean and devoid of bodies. The air smelled fresh, untainted by the stench of rotting corpses. He could feel his magic residing within him, and he knew, in the way that half of a pair knows, that Fai was not trapped above him. He relaxed a bit, glad that his brother had escaped.

Then he heard it.

A thump behind him.

He turned around, to see a crumpled form lying a few meters away. He approached it cautiously, and turned it over.

It was Kurogane.

Another thump.

Syaoran.

Thump.

Sakura.

Thump.

Even Mokona.

As the amount of bodies raining down around Yuui grew thicker, the feeling rising in him threatened to overwhelm him.

No matter how he fought, he couldn't suppress it. Couldn't help it.

At last, he gave in.

He headed for Kurogane.

It was time to drink.

* * *

Fai awoke to find his fists clenched around his fists and a tide of despair waiting to sweep him away.

Try as he might, he couldn't run away fast enough. The waves always came crashing back, determined to sweep him out to somewhere where he would lose all his strength before he could struggle back.

At times, he welcomed it. The cold, icy feeling of death whispering against his skin felt almost like home, like it was how he was supposed to be. At times, it numbed him, let him escape the pain.

At times, he hated it. He craved the touch of another body, sometimes even just the flutter of a smile, to remind him that not everything and everyone was chilled to the core.

He longed for someone to reach out to him and say, "Here, take me hand. I'll save you."

But no one dared step into the frigid waters that loved him so, and no one had ever offered a hand to Fai.

He couldn't _ask_ for someone to take the dive into death's realm to save him. He wasn't even sure anyone would.

He couldn't save himself.

All he could do was keep on swimming, towards a shore that seemed to elude him more often than not, and hope that someone would finally see him floundering among the waves.

* * *

As he pulled himself together for another day, he became aware of the noise downstairs. Curious as to what the trouble was this time, he made to get dressed.

Seeing the clothes from yesterday, he grimaced and debated internally for a long moment before finally deciding what to do about them. Raising his hand, the air around the clothes was presented with indigo Celesian script. They all disappeared, with the exception of his outer coat, and were replaced by fresh clothes.

He heard footsteps on the steps and hurried to finish pulling on his boots. Feeling his customary smile slipping into place, he prepared to face Kurogane.

The smile faltered when he heard the footsteps pass by his room with only a small, almost unnoticeable pause. The corners of his mouth didn't lift as easily when he felt the minutes slip away and wondered if Kurogane was going to avoid him entirely.

Then he heard the footsteps returning in his direction again. He found himself apprehensively watching the doorknob when the sounds of Kurogane walking down the hallway had arrived, and stopped, at his door.

The door opened. Fai breathed a silent sigh of relief.

"There's trouble," Kurogane grunted, leaving Fai to follow him as he led the way back downstairs. Syaoran and Mokona had emerged from their room to trail after Kurogane as well, and even Mokona was subdued by the tense atmosphere and the loud sound of the crowd below them.

They were greeted with a hushed silence once they had descended into view. Fai contemplated piggy-backing Kurogane, and then decided against it.

_He'll probably just make a scene and toss me away,_ he thought, unconsciously hugging himself.

The innkeeper stepped forward, the crowd parting for him.

Fai wondered what had happened to have set pretty much the entire town against them. Most of the faces staring at them weren't very happy ones, although almost no one dared to meet his eyes.

"What's going on?" Kurogane asked flatly.

The innkeeper took in a deep breath. "The soldiers of His Majesty are on the way. By the end of the day, not a single one of us will be left alive." His voice wavered. "I'm telling you this now because I'm going to die anyway, and if one of you truly is a skilled magicks-user, you may still live to see a new dawn.

Our king is a horrible and cruel sorcerer. He is an absolute lover of power, and the one thing he fears most is someone that could take his throne from him. Because of this, the use of serious magicks within the kingdom is forbidden, and everyone with significant power is torn apart by the king's dogs and then roasted and fed to those very same dogs.

Every single magicks-user with the potential to overturn His Majesty's rule has been hunted down and slaughtered, then their family would follow while their villages burned to the ground … His Majesty does not forgive 'traitors' easily.

Yesterday evening, His Majesty detected a sudden flare of very strong, very powerful magicks. There is little doubt in my mind that it is the fault of one of you, although I only sense elemental magic from the brown haired one," the innkeeper gestured at Syaoran. "Yet I cannot hold the blame against you, for clearly you are not from this country.

I will die tonight, but I won't blame you."

Fai couldn't help but stare at the ceiling, the floor, Kurogane's back, anywhere that wasn't the face of another person who would die because of him.

_Somehow, _he deduced, _my tattoo must have been temporarily defective after the dimension jump. It must have been my magic that their king sensed … _

In a twisted way, he wondered if the only reason he hadn't yet drowned in death's arms was the amount of other lives he managed to toss into the frozen ocean. His punishment for all of those lives ended, whether by his hand or simply by his indirect fault, was surely this life that was dragged on and on through pain and suffering.

In the end, it was the intrusive wailing of a baby that caused him to look down.

In a rush, he skimmed the entire crowd in front of him. He took in the view of several couples clinging to each other with desperation; young boys with heroic fantasies, a cutting knife, and a desire to prove their worth; babies cradled to the chests of their mothers; brave children that didn't understand, didn't want to understand.

_I won't let you die because of me._

Kurogane looked back at him. Fai wondered if he felt the sound of death slapping violently around him, fighting with itself.

The ninja stepped forward and the room fell silent. "We'll fight for you."

Syaoran came to stand beside Kurogane. "It's our fault that the soldiers are coming, so please …"

"Just hide. Stay inside, stay safe, and we'll make sure you don't suffer for our own actions." Fai's voice carried easily as he joined his companions. He felt detached as if he was watching from outside of his own body as the crowd erupted in a flurry of discussions.

Death drew ever closer to all these innocent people, swallowing up more and more of the shore until it was out of Fai's sight.

"That is kind of you," The innkeeper was talking again. "But it is too much to ask. Am I correct in saying that you three men are on some sort of journey?"

Fai frowned and probed the man with his magic. He couldn't know that unless … _he's a dreamseer, and a fairly competent one too. _

_Fire magic and dreamseeing … what else is this man hiding that I didn't see at first?_

"It's ok," Syaoran replied quietly. "We can't leave knowing we've condemned an entire village to a dark and painful death."

_Still … a dreamseer …_

_If he says he will die tomorrow, does that mean it is so?_

_If he says Death will claim all these people, does that mean it will be?_

_If he says we have a chance of surviving if we, meaning I, use magic … what does __**that**__ mean?_

The innkeeper studied the three men for a long moment.

_What is he seeing now?_

"If they want to help us, we should let them!" A man called out. "Would you refuse a chance at life?"

"Would you be able to live knowing these three died for you?" The innkeeper countered.

"I won't die," Syaoran spoke again. "Not while my most precious person waits for me."

A new thought occurred to Fai. Now that he was free from Fei Wong Reed … that also meant …

_I am free to die, now that I no longer have Fai waiting for me._

"Not everything can be solved with sheer will and love," A shadow crossed the innkeeper's face. "But if you are willing to fight, it would be foolish for me to refuse."

"We won't let you down," Syaoran promised.

"Don't worry about us," Fai added grimly, a new, feral smile on his face. "Worry about all those soldiers you're going to have to bury."

He could hear the waves laughing as they swept ever closer to the town.

_I'll fight._

_But I am so, so, afraid of drowning._

* * *

**A/N** - Did Fai's little death rant make sense in there? The original ramble was over a page long on MS Word, and I decided it was way too morbid and long and got off-topic anyway, so I cut off most of it. I know the ocean is usually compared to life, but somehow, I think it represents death better -innocent smile-

Sorry if breaking up the innkeeper's speech into paragraphs was a bit annoying to read, but I thought it was better than a giant blob of text anyway ^___^

As for the use of magicks and magic, there is no real difference, I just thought I would put something in to better highlight the difference between the townspeople and the travellers (although if you say them out loud there's no difference anyway ... -sweatdrops-)


	5. Able To Love

Chapter 5 – Able To Love

_The sky is full of blood._ Fai tilted his head back to observe the heavens. _There will be multiple deaths tomorrow, no doubt._

The buildings seemed to close in on him. Fai was overwhelmed with an urge to break free and run away.

_Run far, far away._

Breathing in the air carrying the hint of sunset, Fai strode off and headed into the plains south of the town. With the soldiers coming in from the north, he was fairly certain he wouldn't be attacked.

_If nothing else, I have my magic. _

Fai laughed. The harsh sound was lost in the land of snow, ice, and frost.

_How ironic. I've come to depend on my magic once again._

But just think! It would be so, so easy to die. He could stay out here until the cold finally penetrated him for good. He could walk into enemy camp with his arms wide open. He could do it himself, with a mere spark of magic or a piercing of his throat with his claws.

_But although I know a thousand and one ways to kill a person,_ Fai thought of Ashura, pain in his eyes. _The only two people I have never managed to see off are …_

_Ashura. Myself._

_Even though I am the one that most deserves to die, instead I take the lives of others, just so mine can keep on going._

Fai already knew there were well over 200 people anticipating his death on this white expanse.

_I could kill all of them with no permanent damage to my health._

That many lives was not something to be taken lightly.

_Yet I would do it anyway, if it meant …_

Fai's gaze travelled behind him to the town he was leaving behind.

Though he could not see the inn, on the north side of town, he knew that Kurogane must be on guard by now.

_If it meant that he would live._

_I would give anything, everything, to make sure Kurogane was alive and happy._

_Because …_

_Kurogane is my most important person._

With this thought in mind, he collapsed into the snow, satisfied that he was far enough to not be found.

_I am so, so, sorry …_

No longer under the binds of Fei Wang Reed, Fai knew he could die whenever he wanted.

No longer under the constraints of his wish that was supposed to be fulfilled, Fai could truly live now.

There was no one, nothing, to hold him back.

But now … all he wanted to do was die.

Feeling the cold seep into him, he welcomed it.

_Numb me,_ he thought. _Spare me._

It was not to be.

The tears flowed, warm against his frozen face.

_I'm sorry …_

_I'm sorry, people of Celes, for coming into your country. I'm sorry for the brutal end you met at the hands of your trusted ruler, in exchange for a slight chance for my freedom. I'm sorry to all those that may have remained, and then disappeared, when Celes was closed by my magic._

_I'm sorry, Ashura-o, for the day you came to that tower and took me into your life. I'm sorry for allowing myself to be loved, for loving you back. I'm sorry that you felt you needed to protect me from my curses, and I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to fulfill your wish._

_I'm sorry, Syaoran, Sakura, the four of you, for joining your journey with my own selfish impossible wish to grant. I'm sorry I wasn't more help when it came to realizing your wishes and desires. I'm sorry I kept everything I knew from you, when I knew that you were mere pawns in a grand chess game._

_I'm sorry, Kurogane, for getting too close. I'm sorry for all those names and all the teasing. I'm sorry for all the times you had to haul my sorry butt out of a dangerous situation. I'm sorry for all the times you had to save my life, even when it meant being tied to me forever. I'm sorry for sometimes shutting you off, but it's the only way._

_I'm sorry for falling in love with you._

_I'm sorry that you had to be involved with some as dirty and foul as me._

_And perhaps most importantly …_

_Fai, I'm sorry …_

_You will never know how sorry I am. There are so many things to apologize for, so many things I could've/would've/should've done. I should have saved us both. I should never have let you go …_

_I'm … _

_I'm in love, Fai._

… _sorry._

_I'm sorry, Fai …!_

_I'll never forget you, I promise._

_But he's my most important person now …_

* * *

Fai woke up shivering in his coat. Soaked through, he stood and checked the time. A few minutes remained until midnight, when he was supposed to relieve Kurogane.

Silver light from the moon and stars spilled over the landscape as he started running.

This is a beautiful country. A beautiful cold country, just waiting for death to come.

He ran, skimming across snow and imagining himself flying off; in seek of a new beginning.

Arriving at the inn, not even slightly out of breath, he gently pushed open the door and crept through the hallways.

_If not today, then tomorrow._

_The time for me will come eventually, even if I'm too weak to end my life myself._

The thought comforted him a twisted sort of way.

But for now, he would enjoy as much time as possible with the man he loved.

* * *

Unfortunately, said man was not in the mood for much conversation.

_I supposed it's better this way,_ Fai thought, although he felt like crying when all Kurogane said was a simple, "Don't fall asleep." _I suppose I deserve this._

_Somehow, I would have expected him to ask about last night._

_To say something, to say anything, to show that he cared, even just a little bit._

"Don't worry, Kuro-pu," he offered a small tentative smile. Kurogane glared at him. He felt himself wither under the intense look.

_I'm trying so hard to please you, Kurogane._ He whispered to himself. _But you ask for too much sometimes, and sometimes I don't even know what it is you want._

"Good. I'm trusting you," he said before closing the door.

_I won't let you down._

* * *

Settling himself, Fai prepared for a long night.

After setting up and testing his wards, he tried to detect anything malicious within the village, but discovered nothing.

_All that's coming through the wards now is air._

Lying on his back, looking at the stars, Fai's mind started to wander.

_What will I do?_

_What can I do?_

_Kurogane …_

A bitter sob escaped his throat.

_Someone like me should never be able to love._

_Kurogane probably wouldn't want me, anyway. I annoy him too much, and besides, how many times has he told me he hated me?_

_Many times. Each time, it hurt. It still does._

_When did this all start, anyway?_

_I first knew of him in the tower._

_I first saw him at the witch's shop._

_I first nicknamed him in Hanshin._

_Together, we went through a lot._

_Too much to ever forget and let go._

Fai really wanted to think about something else.

_All that's coming through the wards now is air …_

* * *

_He's coming._

Fai could feel Kurogane's presence shift and move from their room to the stairs.

He took a deep breath. Another moment, another mask.

Closing his eyes, he chose a lullaby familiar to him from days and nights spent in Ruval. The humming started as soon as Kurogane climbed up the stairs.

He waited.

"You know, being on watch usually involves watching," Kurogane growled, leaning over him. "What if, a spy had been sent ahead to check out our defenses? Or an assassin had been creeping up to finish us off before we got a chance at an honorable battle?"

On cue, he stopped humming and lazily opened an eye.

"But I am watching, Kuro-pon! I'm using my magic to feel for auras and spells," Fai sat up and rubbed his eyes. "I have to stay up here for at least another two hours until sunrise, so why are you here?"

_He probably doesn't trust me not to let some assassin slip by._

His question was ignored. "What if someone was hiding their magic, like you do?"

Fai shrugged. "If there was someone using magic and hiding it, I wouldn't be able to _see_ it either. Besides, I've placed wards around this entire town, and nothing will enter or leave without my permission."

Kurogane grunted. At a temporary loss for what to say, Fai did what was most natural to him by now – he faked a smile.

The surprise he felt when Kurogane knelt down was enough to stun him for a few moments.

"I told you before; don't smile if you don't feel like it. No one is forcing you to be happy. Your happiness is something you must make for yourself."

_I don't smile for me, Kuro-chan._

"But Kuro-chan," Fai said softly, sad smile still in place. "Wouldn't you be happier if I was happy?"

_How will he respond?_ Fai dared to hope he would say yes, and then reprimanded himself for caring. Nothing good could come out of a close relationship. Ashura had proved that beyond a doubt.

There was no answer.

_He's just too afraid to say no._

He turned his head so that the tears threatening his eyes weren't visible.

_Happiness is overrated anyway._

Keeping his voice steady, he whispered, "Sometimes, Kuro-sama, I feel as if I'm running away faster from happiness than I am from life."

_Say something, Kurogane. Tell me you care. Tell me I'm not all alone in the world; tell me someone would cry if I died. Just say something, Kurogane. Show me that I'm not alone, even in the company of others._

"I really don't understand you," The words were spoken slowly, delicately. "But I do understand this: you need to stop running, and start _living_."

_So he does care._

The warmth that blossomed in his heart frightened him.

After gathering himself, Fai looked up again and allowed back a smile to hide behind.

_I really shouldn't be doing this. But who knows, the world might get lucky and I'll die tomorrow. Maybe I'll finally see what's at the bottom at the ocean of Death, hmm? I've treaded these waters for long enough, and I'm weary of living._

_Might as enjoy what little time I hopefully have left._

The only sound to be heard was a faint rustle of clothing as Fai scooted over so he could rest his head on Kurogane's shoulder. His smile became a bit brighter when he felt Kurogane's arm wrap around him with little hesitation.

_I'm sorry, Kurogane. I'm sorry that you care._

* * *

A sense of warmth.

Security.

Love.

Snatched away for a moment, missing for a seeming eternity.

Seeking.

There it is.

Warmth. Security. Love.

He was content.

How long would it last this time?

* * *

He stood, the bodies arranged in perfect disorder around the room. Should anyone enter, the full effect of all the deaths would no doubt hit them.

He looked around, at this castle that was his home.

He thought wistfully of that man.

_To love is a funny thing._

_You lose sight of things you may have valued before, such as your own life._

_I would give up everything I have._

_And I did._

_My people are dead, slain by their ruler._

_My love … He will be the one to kill me._

Fai gazed upon the cold recognition in his eyes as the doors slammed open behind him and blood dripped down his fingers.

* * *

He was cold. So cold, and the waves were rougher than usual today. Shivering, he curled up tighter again Kurogane.

_Would I really do that for him?_

_If there was a castle full of people, all sworn loyal to me._

_Would I be able to kill them all, and watch their blood flow?_

_What would I do, if I knew the only way to save him was the murder, murder, and murder some more? If I knew I had to make him hate me, despise me, enough that he, in turn, could murder me?_

"Hey!" Fai dragged out of his dreams by a shout. "Mage!"

_I will never, ever, destroy anyone else like that. _

_I am nothing like Ashura-o._

_Am I?_

Fai sat up slowly and gazed out at the vast expanse of white, avoiding Kurogane's eyes. His dream replayed itself in his mind – the scene that had ended his life in Celes, only in the dream he was king and Kurogane was the one who was supposed to kill him.

_It hurt._

Tasting saltiness on his lips, Fai reached up and touched his face.

_Tears._

_I cried._

_For who?_

"You have a lot of nightmares, don't you," Kurogane's voice sounded, once again dragging Fai out of his reverie.

"Mmmm," Fai turned to Kurogane, mind still mostly on the residue feelings of the dream. "I have too many bad memories and too many unhappy thoughts to dream of more cheerful things, I suppose."

"Tell me about it," Kurogane suggested. "It'll make you feel better, I think."

_I can't, Kurogane. _

_You wouldn't understand._

Everything Ashura had felt was there: the despair, the guilt, the horror. The lives taken and thrown away, disregarded for the sake of a sole other. The hope that one day, he could have a better life. That one day, he could _live_.

"You wouldn't want to hear it," Fai wiped away the tears on his sleeves and looked up at Kurogane, still clinging to him, to his warmth, to his strength. A smile struggled to his face.

_I'm sorry, Ashura-o. I can't do that, even for you. I don't deserve it._

'Will you _stop_ smiling?" Kurogane hissed. "You're right, I _am_ happier when you're happy. But only if you're actually happy, not when you're hurting and pretending. Not when you're lying and hiding and locking yourself and your secrets up. I'm not happier when you're running away from me, or when you're talking about getting yourself killed, but I'd rather hear those thoughts, that are truly yours, than the ones that you make up. You just piss me off so much sometimes, but-"

_There it is again. "You piss me off so much sometimes."_

_Please Kurogane, just go. Go and don't look back. Stop worrying about me. Don't fret … over someone like me._

The door slammed open and Syaoran burst onto the roof.

"I'm sorry for sleeping in!" He huffed, hands on his knees. "You should have woken me up, Fai-san!"

He looked up and started blushing furiously. "Eeh? Kurogane-san, Fai-san! I'm sorry for, uh, for interrupting …" His voice trailed off.

As depressed as he was, even Fai couldn't help a faint blush rising to his cheeks, especially when he saw Kurogane's face.

_He's cute when he's blushing._

"Oh, it's no bother Syaoran-kun!" Fai beamed at him, putting everything he had into his smile. "You weren't interrupting anything!

_If anything, you interrupted a fight just waiting to happen. _

"In fact," Fai looked up and grinned at Kurogane. "Kuro-pii had just finished confessing his love for me!"

_Not really, but then, his hatred is good enough for me._

"So, um, would you two like to get some rest?" Syaoran, flustered, gestured vaguely with his hands. "It is my watch …"

"Yes, I think I'll be off now. I've heard what I wanted to hear," Fai delicately got up.

_Be strong, Kurogane. Walk away and don't look back. It's for the best._

Fai felt Kurogane's gaze on him.

_You're too good for me._

_Always have been, always will be._

_Someone like me should never be able to love._

* * *

**A/N** - You may have noticed, I have a thing for writing Fai's dreams ^___^ I hope this chapter didn't seem too OOC ...

This chapter was the peace before the storm, the battle is coming up !


	6. Gone

**A/N** - I'm sorry, it's not quite the battle yet ... next chapter for sure though! (it's already written, so this time I am certain it'll be next chapter)

* * *

Chapter 6 – Gone

After everything that had happened on the roof, Fai had walked right past their shared room, descending the stairs to the lobby of the inn. He had been pleased to find that the bar was open, and he settled himself for a drink or two.

So he chose to drown himself in alcohol, hoping, that for once, the burning liquid would actually have an effect and distract him from his struggles not to drown in Despair and Death.

_I just don't understand,_ he mused, tracing the contours of his glass with a slim finger. _I don't understand what someone like him could possible see in someone like me._

_I'm selfish. I'm weak. _

_I'm not very beautiful; my hair is too dull and my eyes are too cold. I'm too skinny, and not muscular enough._ Fai was not particularly fond of his body either, although he was a bit nicer to it than he was to his soul.

_Perhaps I am 'kind', as Ashura-o said, or perhaps it's just another weakness, other vulnerability. _

_But Kurogane … _

_He's brave and selfless, his life dedicated to protecting another._

_He's definitely not bad looking, but it's more than just a physical attraction._

_He's strong, in more ways than one. His physical strength is obviously not something to be questioned, and his mental and spiritual strength are both solid._

_I'm amazed, really, that someone with a past like his could put it all behind him and move on, leaving behind only memories that push him on his goal._

_While it feels like every day that I live, my past will return to mingle with the present and curse my future, dooming me to replay the same melody of death over and over._

_I wish I could be more like him._

_I wish I could escape from my past …_

_But I don't __**want**__ to forget. _

_I don't ever want to forget you, Fai._

In reality, they had only been together for the shortest few years.

But they were two, meant to be one.

Meant to be together.

_But you're gone now, Fai._

It was rare that Fai allowed himself to do so, but sitting at the bar, drink in hand, he closed his eyes and returned to a time when he was Yuui and Fai was more than just a memory, just a name.

* * *

They had been born into hostility and suspicion, with the world glaring at them in fear and hatred.

It was only human for them to be able to find happiness in those first few years, no matter how little and how short.

"Yuui," Fai whispered to him one night. "Are you still awake?"

"Why do you even need to ask?" Yuui replied, knowing full well that Fai could sense whether he was awake or not.

There was a brief silence. "Maybe you didn't feel like talking, and you could just pretend to be asleep."

"I wouldn't ever not feel like talking to you, Fai," Yuui told him. "You're the _only_ one I can talk to."

They were children that knew more of the world and its pains and sorrows than most adults learn about in a lifetime.

"I hope that's not always true." Fai's voice was sad.

But they were children still, and not yet broken was their ability to dream.

"I hope one day, Yuui, you'll be able to go somewhere far, far, away, and you'll be able to find someone else to talk to and someone else to play with."

"Why would I ever want that? I only need you, Fai. Everyone else just looks at us like we're monsters." Yuui scoffed.

"What if I'm not there?"

Yuui was beginning to get frightened. "Why wouldn't you be there? You wouldn't leave me, would you Fai? You wouldn't leave me to go somewhere better?"

"Of course not," the older brother assured the younger one. "I would try as hard as I could to always be with you, but …"

"But what?" Yuui whispered tentatively. "Don't you love me, Fai?"

"You're my most important person," Fai responded without missing a beat. "Always have been, always will be."

"Then why would you ever leave me by myself?"

"…"

"Tell me!"

The words struck the silence.

"Things happen, Yuui. People die. Maybe one day, I won't be able to protect you anymore."

Yuui began to cry. "No! I don't want you to die!"

"Hey," Fai got out of his bed and crawled into his brother's. "Don't cry. I'll always be there, I promise. Even if you can't see me, I'll always be there. Would I ever leave you to fend by yourself?"

Yuui sniffled. "If you ever leave me, I won't rest until I find you again! I'll keep on looking, in this world and the next, until we can be together again! You'll be my most important person forever too!"

Fai smiled.

_What a sad, sad, smile,_ Yuui thought.

"It's ok," Fai said. "I'm here now, and that's all that matters. I love you, Yuui. Don't ever forget that."

_

* * *

_

You wouldn't leave me to go somewhere better, would you Fai?

Brought back into the present, Fai rubbed his eyes. He thought mournfully of that day, years and years ago, when he had been reassured by his twin.

_Where are you now, Fai?_

_Are you happy?_

_I'm sorry I can't find you, Fai. But I just can't seem to get to where you are._

Fai wished he could cry.

_You shouldn't have done it, Fai. I wasn't worth it._

_Would someone that was worth it have forgotten about what we said, that night long, long, ago?_

_Would someone that was worth it have found someone else?_

_When did it happen?_

The nicknames were just for fun, at first. It was easy to seem foolish and idiotic so others wouldn't ask questions.

_When did it become something more?_

When had a stranger replaced Fai in his life?

_I wish you were here, Fai._

_I can't find you anymore!_

Desperate to forget, Fai gestured for more. He would drink the day away, until it was time to brandish his magic around to kill others again.

He thought only of the bubbles that fought each other to the surface as he downed his latest drink.

* * *

He must have fallen asleep at some point.

Drifting in and out of consciousness, he felt himself being carried. Peeking out of one eye, he saw the innkeeper just before he was set down on a couch in a back room.

He didn't bother getting up.

* * *

"You forgot me, Yuui!

How could you!?

Didn't you say that I was your most important person?

You're a liar.

You should have died.

Why don't you die, huh? Why don't you come join me?

Oh right.

**Him.**

I guess he's your most important person now, huh?

Great.

I've been replaced.

After everything I did for you!

How could you forget?

**You should have died!**"

* * *

Fai was being carried again. He felt the warmth of Kurogane against his cheek, and when he was dumped onto the bed, he heard his words strike him.

"Wake up, mage," he commanded, his tone quite different from what it had been in the earlier hours of the morning when he had given the same order. "I know you're not actually drunk!"

"Not for lack of trying," Fai mumbled, opening his eyes. "Besides, why do you care?"

"I don't know," was his answer.

"Then go away." Fai rolled over in bed and pulled the covers up over his head.

_I can't care for you._

_Fai's my most important person!_

_I promised him._

The dream came back to the surface of Fai's mind. His brother had been so harsh, so disgusted …

There was a part of him that knew that Fai would never have talked to him like that.

There was a part of him that believed that everything Fai said was true.

_I have to stop loving you!_

_And you have to stop too._

The covers were yanked back down. "What, so you can mope around here until you finally decide to kill yourself? Fat deal of good that'll do anybody."

"You know _nothing_ about whether I should live or die," Fai hissed, sitting up to face Kurogane.

_I have to make you hate me!_

_I tried, after Tokyo. _

_But I was too weak, and it didn't last._

"Don't I get a say?" Kurogane shot back. "What if I have an opinion?"

"Oh?" Fai responded in a sarcastic voice. "What is this oh-so-important opinion of yours?"

"Maybe …" Kurogane looked away, his face reddening again. "Maybe I don't want you to die."

_This has gone too far._

Fai got up off the bed. He grasped Kurogane's face gently but firmly in his pale, silken fingers and turned it to him.

Kurogane met his gaze.

"Kuro-chan …" he whispered, tilting his head up, leaving Kurogane to stare mesmerized into those sapphire eyes.

"What?" Kurogane whispered back.

_This is for you, Fai._

Fai laced his fingers through Kurogane's hair and pulled him closer.

Fai leaned in …

…

"You shouldn't care about someone like me, Kuro-sama," Fai felt almost like giggling. He had had Kurogane tricked there for a moment, he knew it.

Just as quickly, his good humor evaporated.

_He can't possibly …?_

Kurogane was then let go, and Fai stepped back so that he plopped back onto the bed.

"Wh-what was that!?" He sputtered.

Fai desperately gathered himself again. He had no time for the ache in his chest.

"What I said, Kurogane," Fai smiled up at him. "Stop caring; it's for the best."

_He can't possibly …_

It was Kurogane's turn to grab Fai.

"Just tell me, goddamnit," Kurogane said, his words strangled until it sounded almost like a plea to his ears, almost like he was begging for something. "Tell me what's bothering you, tell me why you smile like that, tell me how to take away all your pain, and let me help you!"

_I always knew he cared …_

Crimson eyes begged.

_Eyes can never lie._

He felt himself go numb.

_But could he really …?_

"Let go, Kurogane." Fai gently but forcefully pried Kurogane's fingers from his shoulders.

_Could he really love me too?_

It was too much for him. He had to get away. He got up and prepared to run away again.

"Listen to me!" Kurogane practically screamed. "What is it that you want? Why do you assume you can just mess around with people like that, playing your sick little games, teasing them, poking them, only to leave them as if they meant nothing in the end?"

_You mean __**everything**__ to me, Kurogane. And that's the problem._

Fai opened the door and turned around. "I was always meant to die, Kurogane. I don't why it hasn't happened yet, and I can't do it by myself. Save yourself some heartache Kurogane, just forget about everything and anything that happened between us now."

"There is _nothing_ between us!" Kurogane was beginning to look pissed now. "There you go again! Assuming things that aren't so, telling me what to do, being all unreasonable …"

Fai smiled.

_So he doesn't love me after all. Good._

Fai had no time for that strange, foreign ache in his chest.

"Why would anyone want to die so badly anyway?!" He heard behind him after he left.

_Why would I want to die, Kurogane?_

_Hmm, well. As much as I would like to say so, it's not for Fai._

_I've realized that much._

_No matter what I promised, I wouldn't follow Fai into death._

_Not now._

_Ever since Tokyo …_

_Not anymore._

* * *

Somehow, he knew.

The moment Kurogane had walked into the room, he knew that he was going to end up staying behind somehow.

He knew he wasn't going to get his chance.

_It seems hitsuzen is absolutely hell bent on keeping me alive._

Mokona was cheerfully bouncing around when Kurogane told them there were only two horses.

Syaoran was quick to respond. "Fai, you should stay behind so you can stay safe while using magic. If I stayed in town, I would be completely useless, but out on the battlefield, I may be able to do something. You would be a great help either way, and the less you're injured, the better it is for everyone."

Even though he knew it was useless, he argued anyway. _Why does everyone care what happens to me!?_ "But Syaoran-kun, I'm more experienced than you in battle, and I might need to be out there to get a proper feel for what magic is needed. Besides, Sakura-chan is waiting for you … but I have no one waiting for me."

Mokona let out a howl of protest and clamped onto Fai's head. "Mokona would wait for Fai!" it cried out, sounding rather offended that he would think otherwise. "Mokona would wait and hope that Fai can come back safely, and Mokona is sure Syaoran and Sakura and Kuro-wanko would wait and worry too, if Fai was going alone!"

A small smile flitted across Fai's face, then vanished when he noticed Kurogane's glare.

_I'm touched._

_But I wish it wasn't true._

_I can't get too attached, not to any of you._

_Everyone ends up leaving me in the end anyway._

"Thank you, Mokona. But you really shouldn't speak up for others … I don't think Kuro-chan here would wait for me, he has much better things to do than worry over me, I'm sure."

"You're wrong," Kurogane said gruffly. "I told you before, and I'll tell you again, I _do_ care. Whether you like it or not."

_Don't._

Syaoran quietly adopted the shade of a tomato. "A-ah, Kurogane-san, Fai-san, I-uh, I …" He trailed off, with nothing to say to make the situation any less weird for him.

"And because I care," Kurogane went on, oblivious to the havoc he was wrecking in Fai's mind, "You're going to stay behind while the kid comes with me onto the battlefield."

_Stop it!_

_Stop thinking about me; stop trying to protect me._

"I am not _yours_ to order around, _Kurogane_," Fai shoved his face in Kurogane's again. "Don't think you can boss me around."

Syaoran looked bewildered by this sudden change of atmosphere and even Mokona was stunned into silence.

Fai didn't like the resolve he saw in Kurogane's eyes.

"Face it, mage, Syaoran-kun had some pretty good points back there," he rumbled. "You're the only one that has any potential to do harm from a distance. Besides, you're not much good at sword to sword combat."

Fai let out a long hiss of frustration. He paced around the room, and then finally gave a curt nod. "Fine. I'll stay. But you two both have to let me place a communication spell on you, so we can still talk with our minds."

"Fine." Kurogane said. Syaoran hastily voiced his agreement, and when it was apparent nothing else was going to be said, slunk off to his room.

Once the kid was gone, Fai swept from the room without a backward glance.

_Where are you, Fai?_

_I need you._

_I'm sorry about everything!_

_Don't leave me, please!_

He thought of Kurogane again.

_How exactly did we end up this way?_

* * *

**A/N** - Sorry for sticking in another emotion loaded chapter, but being the way I am, I just couldn't let Kuro and Fai go into battle happy with each other -sweatdrops-

I hope it wasn't too confusing, Fai's thoughts were a bit chaotic ...

A big THANK YOU goes out to all my everyone that has reviewed and/or added me to faves/alerts; the emails I get from never fail to make me happy -smiles-


	7. Phoenix

Chapter 7 - Phoenix

Fai arranged his coat carefully so that none of the dampness soaked through when he sat down on the roof. He allowed himself to sulk about being left behind for a brief couple of moments before turning his attention to the matter at hand. Two figures were plainly visible in the vast expanse of white, alienated from the mass of red that quickly approached.

Fai noted, with eyesight far superior to that of an ordinary human, that Kurogane had his sword held loosely at his side, while Syaoran was fidgeting enough to demonstrate how worried he was.

At a subtle signal, they nudged their horses forward together, straight into the range of the coming soldiers.

Fai felt the magic within him rise, ready to be called on. A murmuring, shifting mass of indigo magic that was his and his alone to command. Despite the ill-bidden memories of Celes using magic brought back, it was good to be whole again.

Though whole isn't the right word, perhaps.

On cue, a magical barrier flared up in front of Kurogane and Syaoran, stopping the arrows that were threatening them. The spell Fai had written in the air in front of him faded from view as the barrier did the same.

Fai could feel Syaoran's determination and Kurogane's general discontent at the situation (although he seemed satisfied enough at the prospect of a battle) through the mental bond that had been created through the spell that Fai had cast in each of their eyes, although no specific thoughts sprang out.

Fai watched the red flag fall as Kurogane struck the flag bearer.

Fai watched as his two companions were surrounded by hostile enemies, all determined to harm them.

Fai watched as Kurogane shouted out, "Hama Ryū-ō Jin!" and several men were thrown back, although they were quickly replaced.

Fai watched as Kurogane took blow after blow. His armor would no doubt stop the worst of the injuries, but it was a hopeless battle.

Fai watched in frustration as he looked for an opportunity to cast another barrier to protect his friends.

_Get out into the open! I can't shield you in such close quarters!_ Fai ordered Kurogane, careful to sound detached.

It was then that he felt the first stab of foreign magic. There was an unseen energy around where he had cast the first spell that quested for its origin. Clearly, the sorcerers were searching for Fai.

Fai countered with the same spell, attempting to pin down the location of the sorcerers amongst the throng of red. Turning his eyes back towards Kurogane, he saw that the ninja was now much further north, along with half of the soldiers.

_How can anyone be expected to fight with a sword from far away?_ Kurogane snapped at him.

_As long as you have enough space around you to swing your sword, I can shield you._ Fai was distracted as he heard Syaoran's voice in his head as well.

_Fai-san!_ The younger boy sounded distressed. _What's Kurogane doing?_

_Don't worry about him, Syaoran-kun._ Fai reassured him. _Are you okay?_

_I'm fine, just worried._ Syaoran's thoughts faded as he turned his attention back to the fight. Fai tuned into the other voice that was sounding in his mind.

_But then that means I can't hit anything with my sword!_ Kurogane growled.

_Do you want to be protected or not?_ Fai snapped, and then regretted it.

_It's for the best if he hates me._

_No matter how much it hurts._

Fai was distracted yet again by a prod sent by foreign magic.

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. It was going to be a long battle.

* * *

He spent the next while deflecting all magical attacks and probes directed at him and his friends, while keeping an eye Kurogane and occasionally warning him of a sneak attack from behind him, and watching Syaoran just manage to keep his attackers at bay while fending off multiple worried queries as to how he was holding up.

Many men fell, to both swords and horses' hooves. Fai's magic was tied up in a shifting, dangerous dance with five others (he was fairly certain there were only five other sorcerers) as they pushed against each other, fighting not with spells but with pure power, invisible to the mortal eye.

Until he felt them withdraw. Many of the soldiers paused in their fighting and looked in unison towards something. Swamped by a sudden ominous feeling, he scanned the area for Kurogane and immediately found him, surrounded by the five sorcerers, all dressed in robes that matched the color of their magic, each carrying a staff.

_Oh look, they match. How cute__,_ Kurogane thought sarcastically. Fai remained silent, tensed and ready to summon a barrier the second it was needed.

There was a brief exchange between Kurogane and the head sorcerer, the one in green. It resulted in Kurogane being the target of several simple, but dreadful pain spells. Fai's shield flexed around Kurogane as he sprang towards the leader, wielding his sword with determination.

Met by a sudden onslaught of hostile magic, Fai clenched his teeth and struggled to keep the indigo magic around Kurogane from fading. Green, red, violet, yellow, and magenta attacked him as Fai fought to keep the barrier in place. Unfortunately, he was overpowered and Kurogane was struck squarely by a blast of green and thrown back.

Summoning his magic again, Fai focused all of his energy on maintaining a shield around Kurogane as he recovered. He could feel his pain as first a violet spell, then a yellow one made it through and struck Kurogane before Fai could counteract it with magic of his own.

_Get back on Arashi and come towards town!_ Fai commanded hastily. _Magic is weakened by distance, and these five are all pretty powerful, I need all the help I can get!_

As Kurogane clambered back onto his horse and blindly fled, Fai managed to block all the harmful magic aimed his way by letting his magic flare in short bursts rather than maintain a strong shield all the time.

_I'm useless now,_ Kurogane's thought thudded into Fai's mind.

_What is this?_

_He goes out there, fights and manages to knock out a good fifty, seventy-five men, and he thinks he's useless?_

_No, you're not!_ Fai snapped back, his emotional and magical endurance both close to breaking. _You've done more than me, anyway._

_Tch! This is not the time to argue about your value, mage!_ Kurogane wheeled around a stone's throw from town. _Let's go!_

_You're the one who brought it up,_ Fai thought, rather grumpily. He let it go anyway.

_Careful,_ Fai cautioned.

They quickly settled into a rhythm. Fai couldn't help but feel a misplaced happiness when he saw how Kurogane struck when and where Fai told him to.

_Daddy's finally listening to Mommy. _He giggled silently, and then chided himself on thinking about things like that.

After several frustrating minutes, an opening appeared.

_Quickly!_ Fai ordered. _Now!_ Kurogane thrust his sword forward, Souhi flaring with Fai's magic, and was pleased to feel her bite into flesh. When he pulled her back out, red blood, so contrasting from the green robes of the sorcerer, splashed everywhere.

Fai was touched with a nightmare memory of Kurogane pulling his sword out of a king's chest, and seeing the red spew over everything, even the beautiful winter colored robes that Ashura wore.

He paid dearly for his brief moment of inattention when the other four sorcerers cried out as one, multiple colors shattering indigo magic meant to protect, and struck Kurogane.

Tears sprang to Fai's eyes as he stared desperately at the black immobile shape now curled on the ground, willing the ninja to get up.

_Why am I so, so useless?!_

_Why does everyone else always have to suffer for my mistakes?_

_I can't … I can't lose him!_

_Not __**him**__._

Fai's vision blurred as rage and desperation mounted and he felt his magic trembling before it exploded.

* * *

Fai bent his head down to look at Kurogane, fumbling with the words to the inquiry spell but quickly recovering.

_An illusion spell, mixed in with lots of pain,_ he identified all the magic assailing Kurogane's body.

Raising his eyes again, the blue phoenix glared hatefully at the four mages that looked at him in astonishment. If he were to stretch out his wings in his full glory, he would no doubt shadow them with little trouble, but his wings were currently occupied with keeping Kurogane shielded.

Fai's mind was spinning. Although he had read about cases like this in the enchanted books of Celes, he had thought they were all myths, legends, from days when a simple illusion could be confused as a show of great magical powers. He tried to recall exactly what it was the books had said, but could only remember certain words.

_Something about "times of need", I think. A trigger … often anger … or was it love? … then something else about how magic is just a part of the soul, and how the soul and body can be separated without lasting damage to either. _

_Well, this is just great. My magic, and my soul apparently has been disembodied and I have no idea how I did it._

_How is it that I always seem to end up in messes like this?_

Fai flinched as something struck his … wing.

He turned his head to see that the sorcerers had apparently recovered from the shock and were now attacking him. He screeched angrily, causing them to recoil slightly, but the attacks were only renewed.

Kurogane screamed from within the shelter of Fai's wings. The sound tore through Fai and he was assaulted with anguish as he watched Kurogane tense in pain.

_I'm so, so useless!_

Barely holding himself together, he cast another shield around them, although it was also soon broken.

Lowering his head again, he ignored all the pain that cut through him, both mentally and physically, as he touched his beak (could this get _any_ more strange?) to Kurogane's head and chanted the counter spell.

The relief that swept through him when Kurogane opened his eyes was overwhelming.

_Kurogane!_ Fai cried out, using his name in a way that wasn't meant to insult for once.

_What … what happened?_ Fai was full of worry when he noticed how weak Kurogane sounded.

_Illusion spell,_ Fai said with disgust. _One of the most common ways to break down an opponent. Unfortunately, there were quite a few pain spells in there too._

Kurogane groaned. He shook his head, then pushed himself up from the snowy ground. His eyes widened in shock as he took in exactly what was protecting him.

_Whoa. This is new._

Fai laughed rather bitterly. _For me, too._

Still sitting on the ground, Kurogane seemed to notice the magic that was still attacking Fai. _What's that?_

_Why, Kuro-chan,_ Fai said wryly, almost unconsciously slipping into old habits of teasing and calling Kurogane by his nicknames. _You didn't think the battle was over, did you?_

_Ah._ Kurogane squinted. _How's it going then?_

_I think Kuro-rin's still a little bit muddled._ Fai was mildly amused, although it was hardly an appropriate emotion at this point. _He seems a bit –_ His words were cut off as a particularly harsh blow, four colors melded together, struck his wings, causing him to cry out in pain.

Unaware that he had done so, Fai had drawn his wings a tiny bit back. When he heard Kurogane collapse, hit by the same spell that had struck him, Fai _screamed_.

This is was too much for him.

_Kurogane. Will. Not. Die. _

_He can't._

_Or else …_

_I'll be lost._

_There will be nothing left._

Of this Fai was certain.

Flaring out his wings, Fai screamed again, a sound of pain and rage, splitting the air as everyone, Syaoran, enemy soldiers, the sorcerers, the villagers that were peeking out their windows, turned to look at the phoenix.

A wave of blue fire washed over the plain, killing nearly everyone that it came into contact with. Syaoran was unharmed, though his mare was shying and threatening to through him off.

Magic spent, soul shattered, the phoenix faded away.

On a rooftop, a mage stopped breathing.

* * *

**A/N** - Ugh, I struggled a lot to write this chapter. I'm no good with battle scenes -sigh- Review, please?

Just a heads up - the next chapter MIGHT not be ready in a week (because I'm not entirely sure whether I want them to stay or move on (and if they move on, to where) yet). Sorry


	8. Inbetween

Chapter 8 - In-between

Yuui stirred, slowly drifting back to consciousness. Uncurling himself and stretching, he slowly opened his eyes.

He blinked. Then blinked again, blue eyes widening in astonishment. Yuui hurriedly got to his feet and did a complete scan of his surroundings. _What the hell?_ _Where am I?_

He appeared to be in a void of some sort, surrounded by the feeling of nothingness. Giving himself a quick onceover, he found nothing broken or even bruised, although there was something different …

_I'm the way I was when I was eight years old,_ Yuui realized suddenly. _Or at least, when I looked eight. What's going on here?!_

The mage hesitantly took a step forward, relieved when he realized he was stepping on something solid.

_It's not magic …_ Yuui mused after testing the air for any recognizable spells. _It's not another world either, since I don't remember Mokona transporting us …_

Yuui cursed as the memories of what had happened came flooding back. _I can't be … dead?_

"No," the blond said out loud, his voice swallowed up by the black emptiness. "I'm not dead. At least, I hope not. Because it's pretty lonely down here, and not just a little scary either. I mean, there's no one else here. There's also absolutely nothing to look at, except myself, because I seem to be glowing. There's no sound and no wind and it feels like I'm being pressed in on all sides by nothingness even though really there's all the space in the world. I really, really hope I'm not dead if this is what dead is like …"

Aware that he was rambling, Yuui shut his mouth, and then thought better of it. "Well, there's no one around to hear me anyway. I might as well keep myself company, at least until I find a way out of here until I can make it back and see Syaoran-kun and Mokona and … and …"

Yuui brushed away the tears that had formed in his eyes. _I won't think about him. I bet he's glad that I'm gone, anyway. _

_Assuming he isn't dead too, of course._ Yuui tried to squish the pessimistic thought as soon as it appeared. _Of course he's not dead!_

"But … what if I couldn't protect him?" The tears returned as Yuui, with the typical eight year old mind, started arguing with himself. "What if someone else had come after I was gone and they had killed him?"

"But Kuro-chan's really strong," Yuui reassured himself as he started walking. "And Syaoran-kun was there too. I'm sure he wouldn't have let anything happen to Kuro-puu!"

As the hours wore on, he lapsed into silence. Stumbling along in darkness, Yuui found himself despairing more and more with each passing moment.

_What was that?_ He spun around at the sound of something very much like a whisper. "Is someone there?"

No one answered. Yuui shivered and kept on walking.

At last, flinching from a shadow that didn't exist, Yuui fell to the harsh, cold, ground that he couldn't see. Closing his eyes, he wished desperately for someone to come save him.

"Someone … anyone … please …" he whimpered, tears flowing down his cheeks. Curling into a ball, he was about to drift to sleep when he heard a voice.

Yuui's eyes snapped back open. Could it be? Is there someone else in here?

He scrambled to his feet. "Who's there?"

Spinning around, Yuui was shocked to see a small pinprick of white in all the darkness, steadily growing larger as it approached him. When it was close enough for Yuui to make out a distinguishable shape, tears filled his eyes again and he fell to his knees, crying out soundlessly as he stretched his arms out.

"I can't believe … it's you …" Yuui hiccupped, his emotions overflowing as the light reached him, enveloping him gently. "I can't … believe … you're really … here …"

"It's okay," the other boy whispered gently. "It's okay now Yuui, I'm here."

"I've … missed you … so much!" Yuui wrapped his arms around the neck of the child that looked just like him. "It's been … way … too long, Fai!

* * *

"Where are we, anyway?" Yuui asked once he had gotten himself under control, a good hour or so later. "It's so empty here … so dark, and so lonely …"

Fai was silent for a moment, his eyes lowered, eyes so much like Yuui's, yet so different in that they were not filled with lies and crushed dreams and a bruised and broken soul. His face had been restored to one with a healthy vigor, as had the rest of his body. His hair, although much longer than his living (or was he?) twin's, was gleaming a soft golden color and felt like silk to the touch. He was wearing a simple blue and white robe, not unlike something they would have worn in Valeria.

"I can't tell you," Fai said at last. Yuui's face fell immediately.

"I thought there were no secrets between us, Fai!" Yuui reached out again and clasped his long lost brother's hand in his own. "Please, Fai, where are we?"

"I swore to protect you." Fai used his other hand to trace a complicated rune on Yuui's hand, one that Yuui recognized as Celesian for 'strength'.

"Whether in death," Fai moved onto Yuui's forehead, writing out 'clarity'. "… Or in life."

Hovering in front of Yuui's face, 'magic' was carved into the air. "I swore to protect you …"

"… and I will, no matter the cost." Last of all, Fai used his finger to write 'love' on Yuui's chest. His touch seemed to burn into Yuui, scorching away the heavy weight that had settled in his heart without him even noticing it.

Unsure what to say, Yuui just watched his twin sadly. _Fai's so different now. He's so much older … so much more mature … there's a distance between us, too large to easily jump across …_

Looking at Yuui's downcast face, Fai lightly brushed his fingertips over his face. "Don't be too sad, Yuui, but don't hide your feelings so often either. It feels almost like your heart has been encased by a layer of ice …"

Clutching absentmindedly at the front of his dirty and tattered shirt, Yuui squeezed Fai's hand harder. "Don't leave me, please. Even if you don't want to have to take care of someone like me … even if you think I'm too broken to ever be put together again … please, don't leave me! Not again!"

Yuui buried his face in Fai's shoulder with a muffled cry of anguish.

"Maybe you are broken … and maybe there are too many pieces missing now for you to be put back together again, perfectly the way you were before …" Fai stroked his brother's hair soothingly. "But the heart and the soul are ever changing, and if you allow it to happen, there is someone that can make you whole once more …"

Yuui looked up hopefully. _Does this mean Fai will stay with me?_

"But that someone … is not me." Fai smiled a little as his younger brother's face fell again. "We can't stay like this forever, Yuui. Someone's coming to get you, and I'll have to go back to where I was before …"

"Why can't I come with you?" Yuui asked, clinging onto Fai tearfully. "I don't want to go back to where I was before! There's … nothing, **no** **one** there that I care for!"

"You know that's not true," Fai replied gently. "Even if you won't admit it. Besides, you can't come with me. Or rather, you shouldn't."

"Why?" Yuui cried desperately. "Are you staying somewhere bad, Fai? Because if you are, you should come back with me when someone comes to get me!"

"It's nowhere bad," Fai reassured his younger twin. "But it's somewhere that you shouldn't be, just yet. There are still people waiting for you out there, Yuui."

"I'm afraid …" Yuui whispered, closing his eyes as he leaned against his older brother's chest. "I'm afraid of everything in the worlds that can hurt me, I'm afraid of anyone getting too close and shunning me after they've seen what I'm really like, I'm afraid of so many things … Fai, I'm so afraid that I'm going to forget you!"

_I'm so afraid … that you'll leave me, and I'll be truly, and utterly alone …_

_Because what would I be, without my other half?_

"Don't be silly," Fai said soothingly. "I'll always be lingering in here," he brushed his fingers again Yuui's chest, "and here." As Yuui looked up at him, Fai leaned in and pressed his forehead against its mirror image.

"Yuui!" Another voice, this one more angry and worried, cut through the darkness, hitting the two brothers simultaneously. "Damnit Yuui, where the fuck are you!?"

"I think he's looking for you." Fai's lips twitched in amusement. "Go on, before he gets more impatient."

"But … but … Fai!" Yuui looked at him with large, pleading eyes. _So __**he**__ came for me._ "Come with us!"

"I can't," Fai answered. "Now, GO!" He gave Yuui a light shove.

Stumbling slightly, Yuui ran towards the voice that he knew so well, looking back over his shoulder at the brother that he had lost long ago, and had found again after too long.

"I love you, Fai!" He cried out as he increased his pace, sprinting towards the harsh sound of a ninja wandering around lost in the dark.

His twin's answer was lost.

"Kuro-sama!" He squealed as he launched himself at Kurogane, still in the body of an eight year old. "You came for me!"

_You really do care, don't you?_

"You're always getting into so much trouble!" Kurogane barked at him. "Why can't you just _live_, like the rest of us?"

"Because I had to protect Kuro-sama," Yuui explained as he cuddled into Kurogane's arms, the other holding him closely. "If Kuro-chan had died, the world would have stopped and even the stars would have cried, but if I had died, then not much would have been lost. I'm not worth much."

"You're talking nonsense again," Kurogane snorted. "I don't want to hear that kind of logic from you."

Yuui lowered his head, hiding his smile at entering the familiar routines as he felt himself and Kurogane being lifted slowly out of the void.

"I want to get stronger too, Kuro-chuu," Yuui whispered, not sure if Kurogane could hear him. "I want to get stronger, until I feel nothing at all."

_Because this feeling in my chest … hurts too much._

Closing his eyes, Fai thought he heard the voice of the true Fai one last time.

_Don't be afraid to love, Yuui._

* * *

Slowly blinking open his eyes, Fai thought that he had never been so happy to have bright lights shining into his eyes. Squinting, he saw Syaoran worriedly conferring with Watanuki's image broadcast on a mirror, while Mokona squirmed restlessly in his arms.

"Neither of them is stirring," Syaoran reported to Watanuki, evidently unaware that Fai was awake. "Should it have taken this long?"

"It depends," Watanuki frowned. "On whether or not Fai-san wanted to be found."

"It's been over 21 hours since Fai's phoenix faded … and 12 hours since Kurogane-san went into the void to look for him ..."

"The fact that Fai-san is still alive is amazing in itself," Watanuki commented. "He must really want to live, to be able to hold on like that."

Syaoran started nervously. "Yes … I suppose so."

Resting his eyes, Fai let the sound of their voices wash over him as he thought about what they had just said.

_I really want to live, huh?_ A bitter smile flashed across his face.

Suddenly, another thought entered his mind. _How could anyone have come into the void to look for me? I thought it was the place in between life and death …_

Sitting up quickly, Fai's head spun as he looked around wildly for Kurogane, relaxing slightly when he saw the other man in a bed beside his, looking like he was asleep.

"FAI!" Mokona squealed, hopping up and down in excitement, although it remained in place, keeping Watanuki's image on the mirror. "You're okay!"

"Fai-san!" Syaoran shouted, almost in sync with Mokona. "I was so worried … and once Kurogane-san woke up, he insisted … going after you … Mokona contacted Watanuki … the innkeeper … hours … waiting …" His words blended together as he tripped over them in a haste to relay everything.

Closing his eyes contentedly, Fai felt himself slipping off to sleep. Lazily waving off his two companions' cries of concern, he mumbled, "I'm just tired … I'll be okay."

* * *

Fai was surrounded on all sides by glass. Some pieces were jagged and wickedly sharp, while others merely glimmered innocently. Here and there, he could see where some shards could fit together, as if they had all once been part of something beautiful and grand.

Bending down, he tried to pick up two matching pieces and arrange them side by side, hoping to solve this large puzzle. He succeeded only in cutting himself shallowly, the blood spilling slowly onto the clear glass.

Piece after piece, he attempted to put all the bits back together – but some pieces were too sharp to pick up, while others too slippery to grasp. In some places, all there was was a sprinkling of powder, remnants of a part that had been destroyed beyond repair. Even as Fai worked, sections were carried away by the wind, worn away by time.

And as Fai's blood slowly dripped across all the shards, he was away of someone lingering in the shadows.

Someone tall, dark, and with piercing red eyes.

* * *

Fai awoke again to the quiet sounds of clothing rubbing together as someone moved around in the room.

"Kuro-pii?" He muttered sleepily. "Is that you?"

When the answering grunt came, Fai smiled and pushed himself up, suddenly much more awake.

"Hey, Kuro-pyon, I have something I want to tell you." Kurogane soon appeared at Fai's bedside, frowning as usual.

"Should you really be sitting up?" He asked worriedly.

"Daddy's too overprotective!" Fai shook his head slowly. "I have something to tell you, Kuro-sama. Something you should know, now that you've paid to save my life not once, not twice, but three times."

_Something that you deserve to know._

When Kurogane said nothing, Fai took it as encouragement to go on. "The reason I want to die is …"

_I'll show you how filthy I truly am, how twisted, how broken._

_And maybe you'll accept me anyway._

_But I know better than to hope for that._

**

* * *

****A/N** - The innkeeper's name means blackest December, or pitch-black December (I used a translator for it ... don't eat me if it's not entirely correct D:)

So, I finally got this chapter up! What did you guys think? The rest of the arc should be written fairly smoothly, and the second arc is all falling into place ...

Reviews are love!


	9. Future

Chapter 9 - Future

"The reason I want to die is …"

Fai looked at Kurogane's face, at the furrowed eyebrows and intense look in his eyes as he waited for Fai's next words.

Feeling the pressure of Kurogane's expectancy on him, Fai fought the sudden and ridiculous overwhelming urge to laugh.

_Kuro-bun is so cute sometimes._

The silence mounted.

Then Fai gave in and giggled.

Kurogane stared at Fai in disbelief, his forehead smoothing out and his lips turning down into what many would consider a frown, but to Fai at this moment looked more like a pout. "What was that for?"

Fai shook his head, still chuckling. "Kuro-rin is so cute when he's worried."

"I'm not cute!" Kurogane tapped Fai on the head lightly, as if he was afraid of actually hurting him. "Are you going to tell me or not?"

Fai could feel the merriment from a moment ago slipping away at the mention of what he had said he was going to tell. "Do you really want to know?"

_One last chance to back out of this … Kurogane._

Fai could hear no hesitation in Kurogane's voice as he replied. "Of course."

_Well, I suppose he never was one to give up easily._

"Hmmmm …" Fai looked up at Kurogane and laughed again, stalling for time. "I'll tell Kuro-puu if he'll cuddle with me."

Fai didn't bother trying to hide his smile as Kurogane let out a half-hearted growl, and then settled himself into the bed with Fai. Slowly, he put an arm around the mage and pulled him close.

Snuggling as closely as possible to Kurogane, Fai closed his eyes and drew on the strength that his other half had given him.

_I'll give you a chance, Kurogane. A chance to prove yourself. A chance to save me, if you will._

"I want to die because I want to live." The words seemed to drop out into the air, too soft but too loud at the same time. Fai waited anxiously for Kurogane's response, burrowing his face into Kurogane's shirt and breathing in his smell.

Kurogan's voice hit Fai, as strong as always. "That makes absolutely no sense whatsoever."

"Au contraire, Kuro-wanwan," Fai's voice was quiet in comparison, reminding Fai again of how weak and needy he was. "It makes a lot of sense."

"No, it doesn't," Kurogane argued. "You can't want to die because you want to live, because then you're just contradicting yourself."

Fai closed his eyes briefly, a sense of disappointment flooding through him. _He doesn't understand._

"Or maybe I'm very confused," Fai laughed airily, well aware that Kurogane wouldn't fall for the light sound as he tilted his head to look at him. When the taller man glared at him, he dropped his eyes again and started lightly skimming his fingers over the bandages on Kurogane's stomach.

_Strength. Clarity. Magic. … __**Love**__._

_Kurogane is very strong, physically and mentally in the way that he's stable; he's completely set on his beliefs and his morals and thoughts, oo unlike me._

_Kurogane is clear, in that if you know him, it's easy to guess what he's thinking, even though he might seem unreachable to someone that doesn't._

_Right now, he's probably still frowning at me and expecting a better answer, as well as being upset about the laugh._

_Kurogane has no magic himself, but he has great skills when it comes to invoking the ancient battle magic in his swords when it come to battle._

_Kurogane … I don't know what to think about Kurogane and love._

_Or maybe I just don't want to think about it._

"Are you very confused?" Kurogane asked, interrupting Fai's reverie.

"Not at all." The words sounded strained and fake, even to Fai's ears.

"Then you're still making absolutely no sense," Kurogane grumbled, the words pounding into Fai until he wanted to cover his ears so they couldn't reach him anymore. "You were never really planning on telling me anything, were you?"

"I did tell you something," Fai muttered unhappily. _You just don't understand._

"Not much," Kurogane countered, although Fai could tell he wasn't trying to be harsh.

"I guess you can't save me after all," Fai whispered brokenly.

_I was so, so foolish to get my hopes up! So, so foolish._ Fai closed his eyes and blocked out Kurogane's voice, refusing to answer his questions, until at last he gave up.

_I was so foolish to think that I could be saved, that there could be someone that loved me enough to save me; I was so foolish to think that I could ever be happy in the future._

* * *

Fai blinked his eyes open slowly, savouring the warmth of Kurogane's arm around him. At first, he was content to just lie in bed, going over the pieces of his dream in his mind.

There had been someone … someone very much like Kurogane.

Someone who had picked up all the shards and slowly put them back together, even as his own hands bled and stained the glass, much as Fai's hands had done earlier.

Fai had watched as that someone had moved around, seemingly heedless to injury, until he had at last present the mage with a jumbled assemblage of the glass, with some pieces of the completed thing still obviously missing, yet it sparkled all the same.

Fai was startled out of his reverie by a light knock on the door.

"Come in," he called out, quietly so as to hopefully not wake Kurogane.

Makkuro pushed open the door and gestured questionably towards the bandages held in his arms, evidently asking Fai whether or not he should change Kurogane's bindings.

Shaking his head, Fai pushed himself up and regretfully left the warmth of Kurogane's embrace, shooing Makkuro out the door into the hallway.

"Is he better?" The innkeeper asked right away. "I didn't heal of his injuries completely, there were just too many …"

"He's fine," Fai reassured. "Thank you for your help, Makkuro-sama. I'll change the bindings now, if you want. No need for you to do anymore."

The innkeeper bowed his head slightly. "Once you've finished, come into the kitchen for a meal. We'll have something cooked for you in no time."

Fai expressed his thanks again as he slipped back into the room, smiling at Kurogane's still sleeping form.

Care not to wake him up, Fai gently tugged and pulled at Kurogane's clothes until all his bandages were visible and accessible.

"I didn't want him to touch you, Kuro-sama," Fai explained quietly to a silent room. "It's hard to watch someone else take care of you … although nowhere near as bad as realizing that I couldn't protect you." Fai smiled sadly down at the sleeping ninja. "Guess I'll just have to become stronger, huh?"

_Stronger, so that nothing can hurt me anymore._

With nimble hands, Fai systematically changed all the bandages and cleansed Kurogane's wounds. He may have let his hands linger a bit longer on Kuro-sama's very impressive abs, but since no one was around to see it, Fai was fully prepared to deny it should the accusation come.

"Fai-san," Makkuro poked his head around the door not long after Fai had finished and was sitting idly on the side of the bed. "Would you like some lunch now? The chef has plenty of food prepared, and Syaoran-kun and Mokona are already eating."

When Fai didn't respond and snuck what he thought was a discreet look at Kurogane, the innkeeper smiled kindly at him and stepped into the room. "Come on, Kurogane-san is fine and looks like he will still sleep for a while yet. You may as well eat something, and you can bring some back for Kurogane-san for when he wakes up too."

Allowing himself to be guided from the room, Fai looked behind one last time, a foreign emotion settling within his heart.

Tenderness.

_Sleep well, Kuro-kun._

* * *

"So, you and Kurogane-san are very close, aren't you?" Fai was shocked by the innkeeper's question as they walked down the hall.

"What makes you say that?" Fai could hear the defensive tone even in his own voice, the ice that had crept into it with little warning.

If Makkuro could hear the hostility though, he chose to ignore it, instead turning to Fai with a knowing glint in his eye. "You two hardly try to hide it, the way you're absolutely in love."

Fai stood frozen for a few moments, finally managing to mumble a few words of denial. "I don't know what you're talking about."

_I've tried. I've tried so hard, not to love him. But he accepted me in his own harsh, unforgiving way, and he made choices to sacrifice himself to protect me even though I begged and ordered him not to._

_I've tried to close off my heart to him, but I haven't yet succeeded, and so, I must become stronger. _

_This is only a test._

Bringing up what had to be one of the most painful smiles he had ever summoned, Fai chuckled and pursed his lips, as if contemplating something amusing. "There's nothing between Kuro-chan and me."

When Makkuro opened his mouth to reply, Fai shot him a look and continued walking down the hall, footsteps ringing out in the hallway.

Wisely taking the hint, Makkuro didn't not bring it up again while Fai ate.

* * *

"Hyuu! Kuro-sama is awake!" Fai waltzed into the room cheerfully upon seeing that Kurogane was awake, carrying a tray laden with various foods.

Kurogane eyed him suspiciously. "Who changed my bindings?"

"Makkuro-san offered to do it, but I insisted on taking charge," the mage grinned happily at him as Kurogane's face was taken over by a strange look. "I got a great view! Kuro-sama really looks good shirtless!"

"Tch," Fai heard Kurogane say as he busied himself with the food, but didn't think much of it. "I'm not some piece of art in a museum for you to ogle."

He let a small giggle escape his words in anticipation of how his next comment would affect Kurogane. "Would you be willing to be in my private collection then, Kuro-pi?"

Blushing a deep red, Kurogane gave a strangled response that sounded more like a grunt, and then grabbed the bread from the tray Fai was still holding and stuffed it into his mouth.

_Hmm, I've never seen that color on Kuro-chuu before. It looks good on him._

Laughing outright now, Fai placed the tray on the small table beside the bed and sat on Kurogane's legs. "Don't choke while you're eating now!"

Ignoring Kurogane's indignant sputtering about how he was perfectly able to eat without supervision, Fai reflected instead on what the innkeeper had said to him.

_It's ridiculous, really. Even if he were to say that I love Kurogane, to say that Kurogane might love me make is absolutely ridiculous._

Wallowing in his own thoughts, Fai was unprepared for Kurogane's piercing look and question. "You've been different since you've come back from there."

_Have I, Kurogane? Have I really? I dared to hope, for such a short time. _

_It hurts to be let down, Kurogane. But I can't let you know that._

_Besides, I have to believe in what Fai told me. If I can't even believe Fai … _

Fai shrugged, letting Kurogane take what he would from the look that was no doubt on his face. "I had a talk with someone who means a lot to me."

"Your brother?" Kurogane asked. Fai didn't try to hide the way it hurt to hear Kurogane talk about Fai.

"Yes, I did." Fai looked at him intently as he talked. "It was much too short for my liking, and I learned plenty of things I didn't want to know, but I can't say I'm unhappy about it." He shrugged again.

_It was good to see Fai again, if nothing. But it hurts to be let down, Kurogane._

Kurogane leaned forward. "What did you talk about?"

Fai pressed a finger to his lips, wondering if at this point, Kurogane really expected him to say anything. "It's a secret."

Kurogane let his head fall back onto his pillow with a sigh. "And I thought we were actually beginning to build a bond."

Fai started and stared at the ninja, stunned. "Did you just try to guilt me into telling you?"

"Absolutely not." Kurogane stared at the ceiling, mouth twitching as if he was trying to suppress a smile.

_Kuro-chan, smiling? This is too good an opportunity to resist!_

"… Ow." Kurogane complained after Fai threw himself at Kurogane and landed with a thump. He was now face to face with Kurogane and in the perfect position to see how he was blushing.

"Kuro-sama said ow! Kuro-sama admitted to being in pain!" Fai cried out, giggling madly again, letting the playfulness of the moment take over. "You must be in a really good mood today, Kuro-wanwan."

_For your own sake, I hope that what Makkuro-san said isn't true. To love me is to suffer, Kurogane. _

_But I'm a selfish, selfish person._

"I'm just pleased that the kid stood his ground so well against the army," Kurogane said finally after a brief silence. "It's always tough, fighting against so many men at once."

"Mmmmm, of course Kuro-sensei is happy about all the progress his student has made." Fai rubbed his cheek against Kurogane's chest, making a distinct purring noise. "Our children work very hard, just like Daddy."

"Are you ever going to give up on the stupid nicknames?" Fai smiled.

_Never again, Kurogane._

"It's my way of expressing love for Kuro-woof!" Fai was sure that if Kurogane could see his face, he would have said that his smile had changed with that sentence.

At that moment, a knock sounded on the door. Fai called out a cheerful "come in!" before Kurogane could protest and the innkeeper walked in, Syaoran close behind with Mokona on his shoulder.

Makkuro smiled endearingly at the two of them and their rather intimate position, while Syaoran and Kurogane both starting blushing furiously. Mokona squealed and hopped over onto the bed, jumping up and down on Fai's back.

"KURO-TIN AND FAI ARE IN LOOOOOOOOOOVE!" Mokona sang, its shrill voice boring into Kurogane's skull.

"We are not!" He swiped at the white pork bun but missed, rather handicapped by Fai's weight on him. "Don't just say things like that!"

"Teehee, don't try to deny it Kuro-puu!" Fai laughed as he pushed himself up and leaned back so that he was no longer on Kurogane. "Kuro-chii just told me he wanted to stay with me forever and ever!"

Kurogane turned deep red.

_Would you, Kurogane? Would you agree to stay with me forever, so that we may seek a future together?_

"Look at how red he is! Kawaii, Daddy is so cute when he's all embarrassed! Mommy's very happy!" Fai laughed again as he poked Kurogane on the cheek.

"That's it!" Kurogane sprang at him, obviously intent on catching him, and Fai evaded him easily. "Stop putting words in my mouth!"

The chase was on.

* * *

Fai ran, enjoying the feeling of the wind in his hair and Kurogane shouting death threats at his back, doing his best to ignore the heavy lump in his heart.

_It's a strange thing, to __**want**__ to hope for a future._

Fai ran and ran, until he left the town behind and was quickly approaching what had been the battleground. He kept on running, trying to leave his thoughts, until he abruptly gave up and flopped down, eyes closed.

_Dare I look to the future?_

Fai could feel a shadow pass over his face and assumed that it was Kurogane, who had finally caught up. "Hey, are you okay?"

_For someone who's a ninja killer and all that, Kuro-rin sure is slow._

With a giddy anticipation, Fai slowly opened one eye and grinned, giving Kurogane ample warning before he sprang up and tackled Kurogane onto the soft snow.

Kurogane growled at Fai wordlessly, but made no move to pry him off.

_He normally would have._

"Hyuu," Fai said softly, the smile no longer present. "Kuro-pipi has been different since he's woken up too."

Kurogane remained silent, giving Fai plenty of time to wonder what he was thinking about.

_I really don't know Kurogane at all … I don't know what it is that he thinks about in his free time, what it is that he dreams about. I don't know what it is that he hopes for, now that he has given up, at least temporarily, a life in Nihon again. _

_Dare I hope for the future?_

At last, Kurogane slowly gave up some of his thoughts. "There are a few things in this world that make you realize what you have, and how much it would hurt to lose it all."

_I've lost it all, Kurogane, so many times. I've lost Fai, who was all I had ever loved, then I lost Celes and Ashura in one blow, and now … Kurogane, I don't want to ever lose you._

_Dare I hope for a future with you, Kurogane?_

Fai looked sadly at Kurogane, unsure how to respond.

_Do I even know how to hope anymore?_

Fai shook his head dispiritedly and laid his head back down on Kurogane's chest and allowed the other man to stroke his hair.

"Does this place remind you of your home?" Kurogane asked suddenly. Fai frowned unhappily at the mention of his past.

_Everyone reminds me of my home, Kurogane. Every place, every world that we go to, when I see people smiling, I think of how the villagers would thank me if I saved them from an avalanche or the like. When I see people crying or in pain, I think of how the villagers looked with blood all over them, when I failed to save them … from their own king._

"I don't really know," Fai nearly choked on his words, on the new lies he was telling. "Both in Valeria and in Celes, I lived in the palace, not amongst the commoners."

Fai let his eyes drift closed in the silence that followed.

"You really have changed," Kurogane said at last.

_But I haven't, Kurogane, I haven't._

"Mmmmm." Fai rolled off Kurogane and lay in the snow beside him instead. "I used to love doing this, you know. There's a forest not far from the village underneath Ruval, and past the forest, there are plains that extend out of sight. I used to slip out whenever Ashura-ou wasn't watching, and I would just run through the forest until I reached the plains, where I would run and run and run, until I got too tired to move and then I would lie down and watch the sky …"

Kurogane took a while before replying. "That much running can't be good for you."

_Ah, but I don't believe that, Kurogane. Sometimes, I think if I hadn't been able to run, I would have gone insane from being trapped all day. Trapped in Ruval, with nowhere to go, trapped in the politics and the debates, with nothing to say, and trapped in all the mind games, with nothing to defend myself with._

"Everything fades away when you run," Fai murmured, almost to himself. "You can leave everything behind, all your problems and all your worries."

"Running away is never a good solution," Kurogane chided gently. "You should know that by now."

"I know that now," Fai agreed listlessly, doubting that he was convinving Kurogane. "But you don't know what it's like. In Ruval, if it's not politics, it's war, and as High Mage I was always expected to be at all the meetings and talks. I used to think that if I could ever get away, maybe Ashura and I could have had a peaceful life down in the plains …" Fai's voice trailed off and he turned away from Kurogane.

_Trapped in something that might have been love, knowing nothing about all these emotions that were all too human and all too real._

_Dare I hope for a future with someone again?_

_Dare I hope for a future with you, Kurogane?_

**A/N** - Wow, I'm sorry for such a ridiculously long wait for this chapter, especially since it's nothing special D:

Reviews are love!


	10. Nothing

Chapter 10 - Nothing

He heard the soft crunch of snow as Kurogane got up, letting out what sounded very much like a snarl.

Fai got up too and ran, squeezing his eyes shut and forcing down all of his wayward emotions, otherwise, he would probably just scream and shout and break down sobbing.

He could feel the swelling in his chest, clamoring to get out. It was a feeling that had died so long ago he barely recognized it, buried as it was beneath grief and sorrow. He cursed Kurogane halfheartedly for having replanted it; he was aware that every moment he spent around Kurogane only cracked him apart more.

Dimly aware of Kurogane yelling behind him, he kept on racing onwards until he was focusing entirely on the feeling of the wind in his air and the snow under his feet.

Coming to an abrupt decision, Fai slowed down and waited for Kurogane to catch up.

Panting slightly, Kurogane finally manage to reach Fai. He grabbed his arm as he arrived, shooting him an angry glare. Fai carefully avoided looking the other man in the eyes.

_I'll give you …_

"Don't do that again," he spat out once Fai finally glanced at him.

Fai shrugged him off and started walking away again.

Kurogane growled and followed him again. "What's up with you?"

Fai stopped and turned to face him. He studied the other's face for a long moment, letting Kurogane's honest red ones attempt to penetrate his own, before dropping his gaze and staring off into the distance to the side.

… _one more chance._

"I want to change, I really do," Fai told him, feeling exposed and well aware that there was a reason he never had heart to heart talks with anyone. "But …"

"You idiot," Kurogane growled. "Don't forget that no matter what you do, I'll be judging you on the present – not something that has happened in your past, or anything that you're afraid will happen in the future."

"But that's so _stupid_," Fai said suddenly, letting the frustration he was feeling spring into his voice. "Isn't a person's past what creates his present? You can't just cast aside everything that happened because it isn't pretty or it isn't satisfying and content yourself with today, because then sometime in the future the past is going to come back because you _just_ _can't run away_, no matter how hard you try."

Kurogane opened his mouth to interrupt, but Fai just shot him a warning look and kept on talking. Kurogane shut his mouth again and let the mage continue.

"But don't you _think_, Kurogane," Fai noticed with some satisfaction the ninja's reaction at Fai's use of his full name. "Don't you think that while we were on that journey, I tried? I tried to put it all behind me; I tried to forget what happened in my past, in Celes and in Valeria. But no matter how much I tried, no matter how much I let those smiles that used to be fake seep into my heart so that they became real, I couldn't ignore the fact that Ashura-ou was going to come looking for me. I couldn't ignore my curses, or the tattoo that used to bind my magic, or even anything as simple as the bond between Ashura and me."

"What exactly was this bond?" Kurogane asked, his eyes flat and hard.

_This bond … was … is … __**everything**__. It was my entire reason for living, other than Fai. _

"I owe everything to Ashura." Fai dropped the honorific for good. "He took me in, gave me a home, accepted me, raised me, and I think, he loved me. Whether or not it was love, he was kinder and more giving than anyone else had ever been, he was the first one that didn't look at me with fearful eyes or disgusted eyes or hateful eyes. He gave me another chance at life, so that I could give Fai, who shouldn't have died, another chance at life too. I was reborn in the castle of Ruval, under Ashura's care."

_To this day, I still don't know why Ashura did it. Perhaps it was a price he had to pay … in which case I hope it was worth it. Perhaps he had been blackmailed by Fei Wong Reed … in which case I hope he didn't mind it. Perhaps he had done it out of the goodness of his heart … in which case, I'm glad he had found it._

"I was reborn, because of Ashura," Fai repeated, trying desperately not to let his emotions overrun him. "And because of what Ashura did for me, I owe him everything. When he taught me how to smile, I made sure to smile for him all the time. When he taught me how to read, to write, I made sure to study extra hard to gain his approval. When he taught me how to cook and which alcohols he liked, I made sure to find time to make something for him once in a while, when he was tired after a long day or a long meeting."

"When … when he taught me …" Fai's voice wavered and broke off. He stubbornly swallowed back his tears, backing away when Kurogane reached for him. Kurogane's fingers brush the front of his fluffy white Celes coat (custom tailored for him on Ashura's orders) uselessly.

"Mage …" Kurogane started to say, and then stopped. There was nothing he could say that would make Fai feel any better.

Fai continued on, his voice a harsh whisper that still carried easily across the plain white snow. "When he taught me how to love … when Ashura-sama taught me how to love I made sure to love him with all the bits and pieces of my broken and useless heart that weren't already beating for Fai."

"Mage," Kurogane said again, louder now. "You have _got_ to be one of the most f*cked up people I know. Just because he did all of that for you, it doesn't mean that you _had_ to fall in love with him. You don't _have_ to fall in love with anyone. Even if you were 'in love' with him, that doesn't give him the right to just do to you whatever he wants."

_Does he truly believe that? Or is it something that he wants to believe?_

_Surely Kurogane would not be naïve enough to love me, to care for me …_

_But isn't that what I'm … hoping for?_

Fai shot him another look, a bit exasperated. "Stop being so naïve. I didn't just decide to love him. Even I know that love isn't something you can just decide to have, otherwise I would have stopped long ago." His voice drifted off quietly again. "To love is the slowest suicide."

"Then what's your point?" Kurogane snapped, stinging Fai as if he had actually struck out.

"My point, Kurogane," Fai retaliated in his punishing tone. "Is that I love Ashura and I'd like to think he loved me back, and even if it was nothing but a fantasy, it's a fantasy that I'd like to hold on to because it's something much more real and much more substantial than anything I've ever felt around you!"

_It's true. I love Fai; I love Ashura. Or should I be saying loved?_

Fai wanted to rip into something, tearing it apart until he could release himself from the confusion that had gripped him. _What about Kurogane? Do I love him? What is it that I want, really?_

Letting anger get the better of him at last, Kurogane narrowed his blazing eyes and glared at Fai, his fists clenched. "Who said I ever felt anything around you? Who said I ever cared what you felt about me?"

Somehow, Fai hadn't expected it to hurt so much. But just as he had so many times before, he gathered all his emotions and diminished them, closing them off completely from the outside world.

"Well then, Kurogane, I guess you won't have any trouble letting me walk away this time." Lifting his chin up and meeting Kurogane's eyes in an almost uncharacteristic show of defiance, Fai stalked away.

Fai heard a step forward. _Go away, Kurogane. You've made your decision, and I've made mind._

He closed his eyes again, struggling to keep a hold of the urge to scream. _This is for the best, I promise. No one can ever be happy with me … someone like me doesn't deserve to hope._

Quite suddenly, Fai could feel a prickling at the edge of his mind – unfamiliar and unwelcome magic. He hesitated for only a brief moment, but long enough to pick out some information: the other mage had a lot of it, enough to play with them both for a while before killing them, and his magic was corrupt. Fai could feel the shadows of chaos lingering in it, tainting it and giving him a headache.

Making up his mind, Fai turned around and sprinted back to Kurogane. As idiotic as Kurogane could be, he didn't deserve to die out here. Fai gave Kurogane a rough shove in the chest. "Run!" He commanded.

That didn't mean Fai was going to be gentle, either. He cursed in Celesian and blocked out Kurogane's frantic questions as the ninja stumbled alongside him.

"What's going on?" He demanded; Fai was unsure whether or not to answer.

Fai shook his head and decided on it. "Something's coming. I don't know what it is, but it's really powerful and has a lot of magic. Enough to take me out easily, especially in this state." He gave a bitter chuckle.

"Enough of the I'm-not-good-for-anything shit!" Kurogane growled like he was resisting the urge to tackle Fai to the ground and pound him.

"Well it's true," Fai muttered darkly. With a frightened look over his shoulder, he picked up the pace. "Come _on_!"

Kurogane was cursing as well when Fai felt the sudden spike in magical energy. Fai skidded to a stop as Kurogane dropped out of sight, no doubt due to some form of magical attack. He spun around, fighting the growing headache, and started running back to Kurogane even before he called. The magic pulsed with energy the same way regular magic did when it was still in a primitive form and not yet shaped by a spell, however, this magic was a shifting, chaotic mess of black and red rather than a strong solid color like the others.

_Corrupted magic._ Fai gritted his teeth against the pain in his mind, in the part of him that was magic; it was uneasy about being so close to something so tainted, so unpure. He noticed that Kurogane was staring at him, but resisted the urge to meet his eyes.

Withdrawing into himself, Fai summoned forth the necessary incantations. He let his power out, although he didn't drive it into breaking the spell, instead, he let his magic cover the tendrils holding onto Kurogane, seeking a weakness.

"Mage …" Kurogane said, stiffening suddenly as if in pain. Fai directed his magic, testing it frantically for a weak point, although he took care to hide his distress. "Tell me what's going on!"

"My magic isn't working," Fai explained tersely, still concentrated on the spells he was casting. "Whoever this is, he's strong enough that I have pretty much no effect on him, especially since I have so little magic right now."

"What can I do?" Kurogane demanded. Fai just shook his head impatiently and stared worryingly at Kurogane's legs.

"There's nothing I can do," he admitted at last. "Besides, I think I'm out of time." The pounding in his head had gotten worse and he could sense a transfer in process. He turned his head, already knowing what he would find.

It was as if the magic had torn a rift in the air, proliferating quickly in front of them until it reached roughly the size of Kurogane. A man stepped through, clothed in fairly simple scarlet robes. The very air around him seemed to scream with wrongness, and when Fai's eyes met his briefly, he was shocked to see that they were a red very much like Kurogane's.

_A red that is tained by evils and by madness, unlike Kurogane's._

Fai looked away, staring at the cool icy white instead.

"What are you two doing here?" The man's voice was quiet and almost oscitant. "Why would two men be all the way out here?"

"We went for a walk," Fai answered stiffly, reaching out and grasping Kurogane's wrist in warning. _Don't say anything stupid._

"Did you now?" The stranger mused. "I hope you enjoyed your walk then. Pardon me for asking, but are you two …" He paused and smiled endearingly at them. Fai just narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "Are you two together?"

Kurogane promptly snatched his arm out of Fai's grasp. "Absolutely not!"

"We are definitely not together," Fai agreed quickly, shuffling back a few steps, ignoring the growing ache in his chest.

_How many more people will question what's between us?_

The stranger raised an eyebrow, although his tone remained docile. "Lover's spat?"

"No," they both said firmly at the same time, avoiding eye contact with each other.

"He is nothing to me," Fai added. _I wish that could be true._ He looked away from Kurogane, unsure if he could hold the lie if being scrutinized by the other man.

"And he is less than nothing to me," he heard Kurogane hiss. He squeezed his eyes shut again for a moment. _This is what I wanted, remember._

"In that case," the stranger smiled again. "Would you, mage, please stop trying to free him? I can feel your magic working away even now. You wouldn't want to strain yourself, would you?"

Fai remained silent for a moment, wondering what he meant by that. While it was true his magic was still lingering, saying that it was "working away" would be an extreme exaggeration. Unsure what else to do, he gave a nod and pulled his magic back into him.

He saw a look of disgust pass Kurogane's face.

_Of course … Kurogane wouldn't know that my magic was just idle anyway. _Fai pressed his lips together in a thin smile that he dropped after a moment._ Kurogane won't believe that I would betray him or just leave him, no matter what he says._

Fai spoke, keeping his voice light to match the stranger's tone. "May I ask who you are?"

The man laughed, a harsh, ugly sound that fled over the snow. He swept his arm in front of him in a cruel, mocking bow. "My name is Masshiro Mamoru, King of Alancia!"

* * *

**A/N **- Sorry for the looong wait, but the next chapter should be up fairly quickly. Things are finally starting to move and it's all coming to a close ...

10th CHAPTER! Just wanted to throw out a huuuge thank you to all the fans and reviewers; you've helped to encourage me and it's great to know that my writing isn't so horrible that no one wants to read it :D


	11. Decision

Chapter 11 - Decision

Fai tilted his head, confusion mingling with the fear that this stranger, the king, would slaughter them both where they stood. Kurogane voiced the question that he was about to ask. "Why are you out here all alone then?"

The king shrugged nonchalantly, as if he usually strolled around through portals, trapping innocent travelers. "I've come to see if I've finally met my match, I suppose."

Fai's eyes darkened. _He's come to look for me._

"You mean … you came out here to search for the one your men failed to secure?" Kurogane asked, his voice flat.

The king laughed again and clapped his hands together. "You're a clever one, aren't you? You're close, but not quite right." He squatted down and peered at Kurogane curiously, as if he was studying some fascinating specimen. "You see, I didn't come here to search for the mage. I came here to destroy him, or die trying."

"You won't find him," Kurogane lied, holding his gaze. Fai watched as red eyes met with red eyes, madness with stubborn defiance. "He's not here anymore."

"Don't lie to me," the king snapped, his sudden change in demeanor startling Fai. He took a small step forward. "I already know that the one I'm looking for is the mage that you claimed was less than nothing to you mere moments ago."

"No he isn't," Kurogane argued. "That idiot barely has any magic." Fai almost wished Kurogane would just shut up and back off, before he got hurt defending Fai.

"I said don't lie to me!" The scream ripped through the air. His black hair swept into his red eyes, now raving mad and chilling in their insanity. He got up and paced, muscles in his arms working furiously as he clenched and unclenched his fists. "I already know, because I sense that he has no magic, yet his magic was clearly working against mine mere moments ago. If that is how much "a little bit" of his magic is, then he is most definitely the one I'm looking for."

Fai frowned in surprise. It had been foolish of him to overlook it, but of course the king would have been able to get a reading on his magic, just as he had on the king's. The mad king pointed at Fai, who froze, unsure what to do, and whispered, suddenly calm again. "You are the one who will die."

The magic binding him disappeared and Kurogane threw himself forward, apparently ready to tackle the lunatic with his bare hands. Fai reacted almost automatically – he lashed his arm out, scribbling furiously in midair. His own glowing dark blue magic lashed out and bound Kurogane, who glanced at him in surprise.

"Stay out of this," Fai growled, unwilling to let Kurogane fight and be killed for his battle. "This is for me to deal with."

_I won't let you die for me._

Kurogane scowled fiercely but ceased to struggle, to Fai's relief. He wasn't sure what would have happened if he had to dedicate energy and attention to keeping Kurogane bound – but it probably wouldn't have been a good ending for either of them.

Fai turned to the Alancian king. "Masshiro-ou, I came to your land without any wishes of harm. But if you are to attempt to kill me, then I won't just stand aside and take it." _Not anymore. I have things … people to live for now._ "But you must know that he spoke the truth when saying I have very little magic left, for I have almost none. I will insist on an honorable duel then: no magic. We will rely on our wits and fight with our weapons."

Fai nearly sighed with relief when Masshiro pulled out a long katana, not unlike the ones that Kurogane favored. _At least without magic, I will have a chance. _

Masshiro pointed the blade directly at Fai. It was long enough that the tip lightly touched the front of his coat, although it did not pierce it. "Very well then, I accept your proposal. Either way, you will die. Draw your weapon and prepare to duel!"

Fai smiled faintly. "I have no weapons but my wit, your majesty. However, if you permit it, I'd like to take off my coat. You see, it's rather precious to me, having been made for me by my own king."

Fai wasn't quite sure what had inspired him to say that, but seeing the look on Kurogane's face made him want to run over and hug him while shouting at him for being a fool for caring about someone like himself.

Masshiro gestured impatiently at him to be on with it. Fai shed his coat and trotted quickly over to Kurogane, dropping it directly beside his face. Kurogane, still imprisoned, glanced at it briefly, eyes unreadable.

They once again took up their positions, Masshiro's sword pointed at Fai's shirt instead. "Ready?" The king demanded. Fai beamed and nodded.

"Then let us fight!" Masshiro sprang forward, obviously expecting to impale Fai right then and there without any more trouble. Fai however, had bent backwards so that his body resembled a bridge, showing off his flexibility. He kicked his legs upwards, striking the king's hands and balancing in a handstand for a moment before flipping to his feet again. Masshiro fumbled with his sword but didn't drop it, glaring instead at Fai.

Fai shrugged and smiled. _He has underestimated me, as most do._ Skipping around, he led Masshiro in a merry dance over several meters, taking care not to let Kurogane out of his sight but making sure he never got in the way either.

Suddenly though, just as Fai had turned around to flee yet again, Masshiro sliced outwards and caught Fai across his right shoulder blade. Letting out a small yelp, Fai instinctively spun around to face his opponent. Now, Masshiro lunged for his throat and once again pointed his sword at Fai's breast. Held fast by Masshiro's left hand that was holding his throat, Fai could do no more than feebly struggle.

Choking from lack of air, Fai released Kurogane's bonds, knowing all the while that even if he wanted to, Kurogane couldn't save him. _And I can't save Kurogane._ He clawed at Masshiro's arm, failing to do much damage.

"Your friend will die next," Masshiro whispered softly, eyes glinting.

Still struggling, Fai saw Kurogane racing towards them. He tried to warn him back, but no sound came out. _No! Kurogane __**must not**__ die! Not because of me!_

He saw the red creeping across his vision and closed his eyes briefly, allowing the primal feelings and urges take over, knowing that when he opened his eyes again they would be golden.

He struck, lunging forward and snapping Masshiro's sword arm. When the king's eyes widened in fear, the beast, the **monster**, inside of Fai grinned and proceeded in for the kill. His left hand reach out and grabbed Masshiro by the neck, pulling him closer, closer to the vampire that screamed bloody murder because no one, **no one**, threatened **his** E like that.

He felt his claws elongating and plunged his hand into Masshiro's chest, directly into his heart. The warm blood gushed around his hand and spread around, dying the fabric a bright red.

Fai looked up as Kurogane arrived and gaped soundlessly at Fai for several moments. He was about to say something when the king opened his mouth, emitting a disgusting gurgling sound.

"You're a lot like me, you know," he rasped out, opening his eyes to look at Kurogane. _Red eyes, so red. They match the color of his blood perfectly._ "All I ever wanted to do was protect … I had to get stronger … always stronger … make sure I was the strongest … so I could protect who I loved most. I always failed though … everyone … left … they … all died."

Kurogane and Fai both watched silently as the king closed his eyes again, seemingly gathering his strength. "My only son died … then my wife was found sleeping with my brother." The king gave a bitter laugh, choking pathetically on his own blood. "I chained her, you know. That's when they first said … when they first said I was mad. That I had lost it. But all … I ever wanted … was to be the strongest so that … they wouldn't leave. So I could protect them … give them a happy life …"

Fai looked away, still too aware of the location of his hand in the dying man's body. His gaze wandered to Kurogane and he was mildly surprised at the distraught look on Kurogane's face. Pondering about it for a moment, Fai realized what was wrong.

_He's afraid. Afraid of all the similarities … afraid that he, too, might be mad._

"Don't make my mistakes … if you love them, tell them …" He laughed again. "I can read your mind, you know … it's one of the rarest and hardest forms of magick … I taught myself so that … no one could plot around me … so if you love them …" The king started coughing, apparently wanting to say more but unable to get it out. The fever and drive in his eyes slowly dimmed and the red eyes drooped shut, never to open again.

Kurogane paced around, as Fai tried not to think too much about what he was going to do. He pulled his hand back, nearly gagging when the claws slid out of Masshiro's chest with a disgusting sound. He hastily wiped his claws on the snow, adding to the tapestry of red that had already spread around the body.

Watching Kurogane fret, Fai wondered what exactly he should say to comfort the other man. When no words immediately came to mind, he starting wondering whether or not he should even try to help the other man. Groaning internally, he mentally chided himself.

_I have __**got**__ to make up my mind about what I feel._

"The least we can do is give him a proper burial," Fai said at last, desperate to fill the silence. When Kurogane nodded, Fai gestured and wrote several words above the body, which then slowly sank down into the ground as if there was nothing below it. He also erected a sort of tombstone, black against the surrounding snow.

"Mage …" Fai looked at him in surprise, although he kept his face carefully blank.

_I care, don't I?_

"You know, at the end, his magic wasn't corrupted. The black demonic chaos had vanished, leaving behind a burning red." Fai got up and glanced at Kurogane, trying to gauge whether he was helping or not. Kurogane's face was unreadable; his gaze strangely far away. "Not unlike your eyes."

_I shouldn't care. But maybe, maybe, I can afford to be selfish …_

Kurogane took a step forward. "Mage …"

_And if Kurogane is willing …_

They stared at each other, a meter separating the two.

"If you love someone …" Kurogane stepped forward, cupping Fai's face in his rough hand and whispering. "If you love someone, tell them."

He leaned in and kissed Fai.

* * *

**A/N** - Ah, finally! This chapter was actually ready to be posted two days ago but I kept on forgetting -bows head in shame- It's long, long overdue. After this one, there's one more chapter in this arc. I think I can get the next chapter up before mid-September, but it's iffy because my beta is currently on vacation and I don't want to bother her ^^'

If anyone is curious about what I've been doing this entire summer, keep your eye out for a new AU fic written by me - it'll be out in September.

Thanks to all my readers who put up with my random updating - love you all! Reviews, please? :3


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